not in Primary anymore

a modest proposal for BYU-friendly “gay-marriage cards”

by Hermia Lyly

Last Tuesday, the BYU Bookstore made the headlines when greeting cards celebrating same-sex marriage were accidentally displayed in the store and then pulled from their shelves. The cards read “Mr. and Mr.” and “Mrs. and Mrs.,” and were apparently placed by a Hallmark employee who was unaware of BYU’s feelings about students who are heterosexual, but struggle with same-sex attraction. You can read the Salt Lake Tribune’s coverage of the story here. I tried to access the Deseret News’s article about the cards, but either they didn’t write an article or the article was so holy that it was received into heaven moments after publication.

Many people have tried to use the BYU Bookstore’s same-sex marriage card scandal–or missionary opportunity, as I would like to call it–to accuse BYU of homophobia and bigotry. But these people obviously do not understand BYU’s attitude towards people who are naturally heterosexual but have homo tendencies that they will have to eventually repent of. They think that BYU hates gays, but actually, BYU loves them. In fact, BYU loves them so much that they enforce an honor code to prevent these confused homo-heteros from entering into unnatural, non-traditional relationships with other confused young people.

Naysayers of BYU aside, the greeting card scandal has opened up a platform to talk about a very important question (and of course this question is not women’s ordination, because that question has been satisfactorily answered. get out.). Namely, what kind of card should a righteous, opposite-sex loving, traditional marriage supporting, young Mormon BYU student send when they are invited to a same-sex marriage? Where can they find a card that sends a Christ-like message of love and acceptance while also sending a Boyd K. Packer-like message of hellfire and damnation? 

Well, look no further. We here at Young Mormon Feminists have developed a line of BYU-appropriate cards for sending to your friends and family who enter into non-traditional same-sex marriages or civil unions or… domestic partnerships… or whatever. See for yourself! Our line of greeting cards is the perfect solution for any same-sex wedding invitation.

 

YMFcardflowers

 

 

YMFcardeltonThis design is especially popular among fans of 80s glam rock and Disney’s The Lion King.

[courtesy of Curtis Penfold]

 

YMFcardbicycle

This card is a missionary opportunity to talk about missionary opportunities!

 

YMFcardroommates

 

 

 

 YMFcardellen

We’re also coming out with releasing an “Orange Is the New Black” version of this card soon.

 

YMFcardsatan

A favorite among our older customers.

 

YMFcardwicked

Quoting the scriptures is always the right answer.

 

YMFcardhappiness

Anyone here a fan of The Testaments? I think we can all agree that entering into a same-sex partnership is similar to entering into a financial partnership with Korihor. Amirite?

 

YMFcardinterracial

Some Mormons still believe that people of different ethnic backgrounds should not marry because it isn’t good to mix blood from different Hebrew tribes. But that’s totally not racist. And we’re totally not sexist, either.

 

YMFcardmrsandmrs

Mormons defend traditional marriage between ONE MAN and ONE *cough* or more *cough* WOMEN.

 

Thanks for taking the time to view our cards! If you have any ideas for your own BYU-approved same-sex marriage cards, post them in the comments below!

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90 Responses to “a modest proposal for BYU-friendly “gay-marriage cards””

  1. Bri

    Oh. My. Heck. I about died at the “but wickedness never was happiness” card. I’d add a card that says something like “Congratulations on your same-sex union. We’re calling it that because you’re straight, but same-sex married.”

    Reply
  2. Joseph Martineau

    Here’s one straight from my dad’s mouth when he learned my sister married her long time partner when same sex marriage was briefly legal in Utah (he wasn’t invited, for obvious reasons):

    “I’m happy you’re happy…but I can’t congratulate you.”

    Every single one of your cards is something my dad would actually say (with the exception of polygamy, because embarrassing). Well done!

    Reply
  3. Miranda

    I am not here to have a huge discussion about my beliefs about same-sex marriage, same-sex attraction, etc. Putting those things aside, do you really think creating a sarcastic and flat out rude blog post is going to change the way people think about same-sex marriage? I don’t know why you would write and publish something that publicly declares the “stupidity” of people who believe in traditional marriages only. How can you ask others to be open-minded when you are being so close-minded yourself? None of these cards are an accurate reflection of my reaction (and I would think it would be the same for others, but I’ll only speak for myself) to a friend or family member having a same-sex marriage.

    Reply
    • Brigham Young

      “None of these cards are an accurate reflect my reaction.”
      Of course they aren’t. This is satire. That is the entire point. People who are offended by satire can’t be helped.

      Reply
      • lol

        Definition of satire:

        The use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc

        Oh yes, how dare they get offended at your use of irony, sarcasm, and ridicule, to denounce and deride their beliefs. Which, I should point out, as a young MORMON feminist, are your beliefs as well.

        I also love the off-handed dismissal of those who disagree with you, ‘cuz it’s just supposed to be funny.’

      • Anonymous

        People who feel the need to speak poorly about the church as a whole and speak in a way that is very hurtful to someone who practices the faith devoutly is thinking only of getting a laugh at the expense of another person’s feelings and emotions about the most important thing in their life. When you publish things like this in an attempt to be “funny”, think about all of the people you could be hurting. Are we really too easily offended or are you putting down a whole bunch of people who would probably never go out of their way to say things that are hurtful to you? Before you make general comments about a large group of people, you might want to think about how your comments could be very hurtful. A little consideration in the world never killed anybody. 🙂

    • Dollie

      The fact that you believe the only definition of traditional marriage is one man and one woman is the funniest part of this.

      Reply
      • Lisa

        Dollie-

        Normally I don’t swing the lady way but I love that comment so hard I might be willing to reconsider….for you. 🙂

      • Carrie

        “Any god fearing person usually believes that”

        I think the point of Dollie’s statement is that polygamy is eternal Mormon doctrine; polygamy is not traditional marriage. It’s hypocritical to say the least.

      • Dollie

        There are so many different theories on what “traditional” marriage is across cultures and groups, many which are as you say “God fearing”, that your idea of what is traditional is only traditional to you and those who think like you. That’s what I mean. I do believe YMF actually has a post that includes the many different types of so called traditional marriage examples that were given throughout the bible, many which we in the present would look at with disbelief. And hey Lisa, 😉 what a compliment!

    • Sarah Fuller

      It probably wont change the way people think, but it will sure give us something to share with our likeminded friends on FB who are too open-minded to regress to close mindedness 🙂 Thanks Hermia, really funny post 🙂

      Reply
      • Gloria

        Accepting sin is soooooo open-minded, said Satan.

        The real question is, will Hannah come rushing in and run from this post that also mocks God and the doctrine of his true church like she did on the fruits of Young “Mormon” Feminists as displayed in Cosmo?

    • Flubber McGee

      What type of marriage do you believe in? One man / one woman, or the New and Everlasting Covenant as described in the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 132?

      Reply
    • Jennifer Sensiba

      Because many of us are done trying to convince people like you. Yours is not a legitimate position deserving of respect any more than the racists or child molesters. You all use the power of the state to impose your will on others, yet get offended at the mere words of others who dare to want to only be left alone.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      You are past feeling. Or humor, anyway. All that’s necessary for humor to be appropriate is for the powerless to make fun of the powerful. Check. Good natured humor will chip away at your silly fictional foundations of flawed morality. You’ll see. It just stings a little now. But in a matter of time you’ll laugh too. I have faith. In that.

      Reply
    • Marcus M

      Miranda- sometimes satire is a very useful tool to point out loose arguments and fallible teachings. It may not work for everyone, but it is an effective tool. In addition, satire, and articles like these, help to validate the minority that has just been attacked. And let’s keep in mind that pointing out someones religious intolerance of a minority isn’t attacking. It also isn’t being close minded to educate yourself about both sides and then to write a well reasoned assessment of the rhetoric of both sides. While these cards may not represent yourself, they do represent a large portion of the Mormon community- to say they don’t only points to that fact that you may not have done enough research.

      Reply
      • lol

        Satire is a useful tool for nothing. Satire, by definition, uses irony, sarcasm, and ridicule, to denounce and deride something you find foolish. it has no business being used when trying to legitimately discuss differing opinions.

    • JZ

      The irony here is that your church leaders teach and say HIGHLY offensive things in regards to homosexuals then, when someone punches back in a brilliantly humorous way, you get all butt hurt about it??? Instead of trying to correct the writers of this blog for defending a marginalized group of human beings why don’t you wise up and direct your offense to the real perpetrators here (the quorum of the 15 apostles).

      Reply
    • David Conley Nelson

      Miranda: I wonder how you feel about the marital arrangements of Elders Perry, Oaks, and Nelson–all of whom have taken second wives and married them for “time and all eternity” in the Holy Temple after their first wives departed this life. When one-quarter of the members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles look forward to life in the Celestial Kingdom with more than one wife, why is it so offensive for orthodox Mormons of today to live in a world where gay monogamous couples want the secular right to marry?

      Reply
      • Lisa

        Or the marital arrangements of the early prophets, all who took multiple wives at the same time, some of whom also had other living husbands.
        What we are talking about here is not “God’s definition of marriage” where women are rewards unto man of their righteousness (like explained in D&C 132) or the assumed practice today in LDS Temples, we are talking about secular marriages. In secular marriages, gay or straight what is bound on earth is not bound in Heaven because there is no priesthood in them, so I don’t understand why the Church/BYU is in a such a panic about it.

    • idahogie

      I’d suggest that this post bothers you for a very good reason, and I’d ask you to think about why that is rather than waste your time demanding that others not make you uncomfortable. The “beliefs” you hold are voluntary, and yours should make you uncomfortable. Not all ideas are worthy of respect.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      Oh get over yourself. Maybe the fact that you’re so defensive about this should make you pause and ponder why. Besides, they’re just funny. That’s all.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      It is time that we in the Mormon community realize how hurtful our retortic about same-sex attraction is to our brothers and sisters whose love we are condeming. We are losing too many of our young gay brothers to suicide because of the condemnation we head upon them. I choose to follow Christ’s example of compassion. I’ll leave judgment to others. Thank you for creating these cards. Sometimes satire is the most effective way to examine our own beliefs.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      Silly Miranda – as an ex-Mormon, interracially married lesbian – I laughed till I cried and the idea that some Mormons think they can judge us made me laugh harder. Is ok to have some levity – it breaks up the monotony!

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      It is sad when would be advocates for traditional marriage are their own worst enemies.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      Save your righteous indignation for another inane Elder’s quorum meeting. Best regards, Korihor

      Reply
    • WDJ

      Shocker, a mormon who can’t take a joke. Gee, never seen that before. You see Miranda, that was sarcasm….

      Reply
  4. kelsoinutah

    We’re a all gay…
    If gay means happy.

    Marriage…
    It makes your “little phase” a little more romantic.

    I totally support you!
    As long as you guys don’t consummate with sex.

    Reply
  5. Mikel B

    How about this. Congratulations on your loving and warm and beautiful same sex marriage.

    So, which one will pick up the dirty clothes and which one will sit around every night, drink beer (or Caffine Free Diet Coke) and watch tv in their underwear?

    Reply
  6. Mikel B

    Wishing you happiness in your blessed same sex marriage…

    You know it wan’t President Packer that blessed it, right?

    Reply
  7. ricpeter

    Mr. and Mrs…
    -which one of you is the woman in the relationship?

    LOVE…
    -the sinner, not the sin

    Congratulations on your “legal” marriage…
    -too bad the laws of man can’t change the laws of God

    Reply
    • smugmo

      ….but thankfully the laws of man keep society forging ahead with progress. If we still gave God free reign to enforce his eternal laws, I’d have 5 wives and there would be one less black General Authority (oh wait, I think there is only one).

      Reply
  8. Rebecca

    How about:

    We all came to earth with desires, appetites, and challenges. The point of this life is to overcome those challenges of the natural man. I’m sorry you’ve given in to the natural man.

    Reply
    • James Sneak

      Rebecca, Ever had sex just for the fun of it? OOPS gave in to the natural man again.

      Reply
      • Hannah

        Why can’t people just live the lives they choose without someone else using god as a tool to descriminate. Everyone “sins” why point out one group of people, and deny them rights because they apparently sin differently then you. Why not focus on something bigger like pollution that everyone is causing didn’t god say to take care of …….but I get it it’s easier to tell someone to change rather then looking at the poor choices for yourself.

  9. Teresa

    Ha ha, I LOVE this post. And the comments’ suggestions are great too 😉

    Reply
  10. Donna Tardis

    (Picture of two cupcakes with sprinkles on front)

    Inside message:

    Enjoy the frosting while you can;

    You won’t be licking cupcakes in the next life, no matter what the gubmint says.

    Reply
  11. Gretchen

    Seriously? I can eat an entire carton of ice cream tonight and not gain an ounce after laughing this hard!

    *tears*

    (Will one of you adopt me so I can get your funny genes?)

    Reply
  12. Anonymous

    Can’t wait to claim the next homophobic thing I write as satire! I didn’t know the solution was so simple.

    Reply
  13. :F

    “Because many of us are done trying to convince people like you. Yours is not a legitimate position deserving of respect any more than the racists or child molesters. You all use the power of the state to impose your will on others, yet get offended at the mere words of others who dare to want to only be left alone.”

    Stop imposing your will on this trick, gurrrl. She wants to be left alone but the power of the state has made her turn on your computer, go to your blog, and read it. I mean she would rather have children molested / and why not reinstate slavery? She’s already forced to watch ALL of the accessible pornography! (Curse that state power!)

    In response to a question:
    Are we too easily offen.. YES.

    & they are your beliefs too ymf. Don’t forget you don’t have any of your own ideas if the local leaders reject them. Rosa parks should have never sat at the front of the bus, because authorities are always right and not humans. They have transcended error by having power, and it’s not like power is ever corrupted…

    Haters gonna hate. States gonna state.

    Keep it funny. One day their soul will loosen up and you can fit unconditional love. right now there is like only room for 6 inches. ^^

    Reply
  14. Benson

    So funny!!! I can imagine someone in my family sending me one of these! It’s funny because it’s true :).

    Reply
  15. ed

    Most who like this cards suffer from same religion attraction disorder….

    Reply
  16. baccelliak

    I had to grin when I read this. Back in 1984, my Heritage Halls apartment was egged when it got out that my roomies and I put signs out on our door admitting we loved Culture Club and Boy George and didn’t care that he was gay. **BYU banned any of their records as he was gay which made no sense to me at all at the time. I still remember the outlash over that one.

    Man, I wish someone took a photo of those greeting cards. Whenever I heard a member saying that they love gays but hate the ‘sin’? It makes me cringe.

    Reply
  17. PantherII

    In the spirit of the aforementioned satire:

    “Wishing you and your venereal disease all the best.”

    Or is cruelty and insensitivity only appropriate when it’s going in the other direction?

    Reply
  18. Rebecca

    What’s cruelest is that for the most part, Mormons can’t have their cake and eat it too. The cruelty towards gays from the top down, and anyone aligning with the organization is prrfetuating that cruelty just by association.

    The fake cards may be biting, but card-carrying Mormons either believe this deep down, or sustain men who believe this and who watch gays and allies suffer and do nothing. Heck, they can’t even allow new graduates an hour’s peace without railing against gay marriage.

    Don’t blame the blog; blame the readers.

    Reply
    • PantherII

      Okay, let’s blame the readers. BYU could start stocking sympathy merchandise for those who’ve joined the various cults of personality around the Bloggernacle and are now shocked to find out that actions occasionally do have consequences.

      First up is a T-shirt with the logo:

      Womanhood – Blaming men for its mistakes since the Fall of Adam

      A couple more posts like this and I should hit my USRDA for cruelty. I wish the church instruction manuals had better instructions on how to more effectively hit my cruelty limit. It’s been a while since I’ve read anything by President Packer, so I must be getting rusty.

      Reply
      • PantherII

        Would that include the leaders of ACT UP who invaded a Catholic church during Mass, simply because Catholics were not in the mood to subsidize their choices?

  19. Ronni

    Judging by some of these comments…the truth hurts. If you didn’t truly feel that way, why would they offend you? Just imagine how offensive your beliefs are to the LGBT community?

    Reply
    • PantherII

      Again, I find it fascinating that tolerance and sensitivity are somehow only supposed to flow in one direction. As though the fact that I’m in a new town trying to find some dinner for my family after church and my eight year-old son asks me why that man is wearing a dress and has a lamp shade on his head is just a run of the mill, normal happenstance that I’m supposed to shake off.

      No, the truth doesn’t hurt. I’ve had enough time on this earth to know that, unlike those on the left, I don’t have all the answers. I’m not sure exactly what the Lord requires of me regarding the issue of homosexuality and those involved in it. I’m still trying to understand and pray for guidance on the matter. I recognize that I still have discontinuities in my belief structure that I’m trying to work through. I have yet to meet a Leftist who hadn’t had a burning bush epiphany on practically everything. Never mind that in aggregate they seem to have an inverse Midas Touch that turns everything they get involved in to crap. Community Reinvestment Act that requires lenders to give money to people that can’t pay it? Sheer genius. Government screw up your healthcare by getting involved in things it has no business touching? Let’s pass Obamacare. No constitutional authority to regulate alcohol, tobacco or marijuana? Let’s have the DEA perform no-knock raids that kill innocent people and their pets and then say that if we had to do it over again, we’d change nothing. Want black people to have full civil rights and free access to voting? Let’s block the bill when it’s tried during the Eisenhower administration and then pass it during the Johnson administration so that we can get the credit for it. But make sure that the black vote is not guaranteed in perpetuity but has to be renewed every so often. That way we have a club we can continue to beat up Republicans. Want to show that you’re tough on terror? Let’s have the nation’s first half-white President claim that he can kill American citizens through drone strikes with impunity and without any appreciable legal oversight. Wait a few decades and I’m sure you’ll find that the outgrowth of the current homosexual movement and all its glory will be radically different than anyone ever thought. And not so much for the better.

      I have a fairly strong libertarian bent, so provided that you don’t make me cover the cost of your mistakes, your choices or your lifestyle, do whatever you want. Don’t tell me that I’m supposed to subsidize someone else’s recreation by providing birth control. Sorry, it’s not a women’s health issue, it’s a matter of entertainment. Don’t tell me that I have to pay for a women who has 15 kids by multiple men. Don’t tell me that I have to subsidize art that anyone to the right of Liberace would find offensive. Don’t tell me that I have to sacrifice the healthcare that I work my butt off to earn so that someone else who doesn’t even belong in the country can take their child in for a checkup. And no, employers do not provide healthcare at their cost to their employees any more than they pay half of your Social Security tax. Go and get a basic book on economics if you doubt that.

      While we’re at it, why don’t we strip out all of the various preferences that all of the various groups get and go back to Martin Luther King’s desire that we look at the content of each person’s character. No exceptions whatsoever. Before doing that, you might want to consider a thought experiment.

      There is a ship that has 500 passengers, 250 male, 250 female. No one is related to anyone else, nor have any of them ever met each other before embarking on their voyage. The ship goes down at sea and there is only room in the lifeboats for 250 people irrespective of gender. What is the casualty count by gender? There are three answers: a fair answer, a just answer and a feminist answer.

      Reply
      • Nouner

        PantherII (why are you calling yourself after a Nazi tank)? –

        God, you’re such a whiner. I’m sorry you’ve chosen to be offended. I sent an email to your local Misandrist SWAT Re-Education Team to take the eyelid-holder-uppers out of your eyes and allow you to stop reading this blog post about funny greeting cards.

        It shows a really deep level of hilarity to me that you complain about having to see someone dressed in a way you don’t like, then talk a show about how you’re a libertarian who supports people’s rights. I mean you’re not serious, right? You also blame pretty much every major problem of the last 60 years on “liberals”. I mean news flash bud if you want to hate liberals and tell people how to dress and who to marry, you’re an authoritarian, not a libertarian. Go ahead and tell yourself you’re a libertarian if you want, I guess, but lol. You’re welcome to call your shoes “bumbersnitches” as well, it’s a free country.

        You make all kinds of noise about god and the Lord and church and how it’s ok for you to break the commandments this one time, yet gripe and moan about an undocumented immigrant “taking their child in for a checkup”. You oppose healthcare for children? What the fuck is wrong with you?

      • PantherII

        Agnes,

        I will grant that historically the male passengers have been the ones to sacrifice themselves. That is the just answer. The thought experiment I was performing intentionally did not include the crew since there was no way to ascertain beforehand what the gender breakdown might be and it wasn’t relevant. The fair answer would be 50-50 casualties with people drawing straws in each gender to determine the survivors. The feminist answer is almost 100% of the casualties coming from the females. If genitals have no bearing on anything, as a number of posters at other websites claim, then there’s no reason to put anyone ahead of yourself and the law of the jungle rules. Recent circumstances show where that leads.

        Yes, I do realize that better access to birth control means fewer unborn children and I have no problem with that. Just don’t call it a “women’s health” issue. It’s not. It’s subsidizing recreation. The other fact that was implicit in my comment is that employers do not “provide” healthcare to their employees at no cost. It’s part of your compensation package. Prior to the Roosevelt administration’s futzing with wage laws during World War II people paid their own way. Providing health insurance was just a way to increase people’s wages without officially increasing their wages.

        Nouner,
        As a general rule, I allot 15 minutes a day to stupid topics and stupid people. I’ve learned over time that anything over that time limit indicates that I can’t get my reasoning down to the nadir demonstrated by another’s speech or writing and that further effort is usually not warranted. Kind of a version of the 80-20 rule. Even if I weren’t worried about random drug tests, I am not inclined to kill off the requisite number of neurons required to make their (and your) posts make sense.

        As long as we’re discussing handles, it’s clear that Nouner is clearly a foreign word for illiterate, incompetent, hypocritical pile of steaming pig crap. Since that’s a little much, I’ll probably shorthand it somewhat to make communication easier. I will also use small words so that I don’t tax your limited faculties and I’ll type slowly so that you can keep up.

        As Dr. Seuss didn’t see fit to write a history book, it’s no wonder that you’re illiterate when it comes to history, Crap. Most Germans fighting in World War II weren’t Nazis by any stretch of the imagination and many of them had a higher code of ethics than the Americans fighting in the Pacific. Hitler was concerned that the OKW und das Heer were not “nazified” enough so when he launched the last offensive of the western war, Operation Wacht am Rhein, he used SS troops exclusively. However, to apply your rule, the VWs people drive today are clearly Nazi-mobiles as they were a direct development of the National Socialist Party. Unfortunately, the Germans were too busy during the war producing Kubelwagens to allow the average person to own a “People’s Car”, which is VW in English. Let me know if I’m going too fast. I’m trying to use small enough words to allow you to keep up, but it doesn’t always work.

        I’m a student of history, military history in particular. Primary interests are WWII in the air over Europe, the Pacific Campaign and ancient Greek history. I started writing Pelop…, but that’s clearly beyond your grasp, so we’ll stick with Greek. In many ways, war is a good metaphor for life and the things you learn from your studies can often help you deal with infantile people on a daily basis. For example, “In every circle, and truly, at every table, there are people who lead armies into Macedonia” – Lucilius Aemilius Paulus. Translated into tiny, little words that your tiny, little brain can understand, it means everyone’s a Monday morning quarterback. I tend to keep track of those things that are valuable so that I can pass them on, particularly to my kids. For example, the Greek philosophers who lectured standing among the columns of the temples, or Stoa, gave rise to the school of philosophers that we now know as Stoics. “The temperament that starts at noises in general is unstable.” – Lucius Annaeus Seneca. Judging from the inconstancy and irrationality of your brilliant treatise, it seems we must add intemperate and unstable to your list of sterling attributes.

        As a result of my studies, I’ve taken my kids to Omaha Beach at Normandy, Bastogne, the Battle of Britain Memorial at Dover, the armor museums of Europe and a number of other places. As an engineer, I have a technical appreciation for the mechanical genius that lie at the heart of many weapon systems while at the same time wishing that we didn’t have to be so good at killing other people. I suppose as long as there are stupid and illogical people in the world like you, Hypocrite, we will always need such tools. While I appreciate the technology that comprise things like the Panther II, the Mustang, the B-17 and others, I respect the American fighting men who’ve made possible your freedom to be stupid. I sincerely hope you’re nearing the end of your life, Crap, because if you represent the future, we are well and truly screwed. If you aren’t, then I’m sure that your projection of your bad attitude on others is no doubt due to the fact that the world doesn’t respond to your genius and you can’t find a job in spite of your $50,000 debt and worthless gender studies or ethnic studies degree. I post at a number of other places where the PanzerKampfwagen Panther, Ausfuhrung II is more apropos and have continued its use elsewhere over time as it is something that people rarely have taken and I rarely have a collision as a result. I don’t want to waste too much time dueling the helpless, so laziness wins on that score.

        What you believe to be whining, is actually laughter, Crap. I’m laughing at you. Before continuing, I can’t help but wonder, has science managed to create a microscope powerful enough to find your brain, Crap? I certainly hope so. That would make it more possible to understand your puerile attempts at humor. Anyhow, it’s laughter. See I’m one of the evil one percent. About the only person that’s more arrogant than a rank and file engineer is a CHEMICAL ENGINEER. I’ve put it in all big letters to make sure your attention is drawn to it so you can look up the big words and maybe understand what they mean. Among ordinary chemical engineers are those of us who do the conceptual design work necessary to design new refinery units and chemical processing plants. My background is in mathematical process modeling and statistical and economic analysis. So your jejune belief that you’ve said anything intelligent is scientific proof that once you venture outside “See Spot Run”, you’re way out of your league. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. I’m laughing at you because as one of the evil 1%, I make a Nouner-load of money and your skills probably limit your employment opportunities to “Welcome to Wal-Mart.” By any metric that can be used, I’m more successful than your microscopic little reptilian brain can understand. Married close to 30 years with fantastic, productive children who will make the world a better place when compared to the little Hypocrites who are certainly following in your wake. Partner in a large engineering company. Extensive world travel and stints living overseas in Europe and Asia. On and on. Unlike you, I have the additional privilege of knowing that I create things that provide value to other people, make their lives better and will endure long after I’ve retired. I don’t need parasites like you. You need people like me to make your pathetic little life possible. Thousands of people around the U.S. are employed constructing the latest NGL processing facility that was my conceptual design. I get to look at the project board daily to see what progress has been made on construction. Out in the field I get to see what they are progressing and “commune” (sorry for the big word) with the things I build. I then get to start them up and teach people how to run them. The only people you help keep gainfully employed are the workers at the Huggies factory and the guy who puts them on the shelf. In many ways, you’re like the monkeys at the zoo who fling Nouner at people who are better than them and then sit back in the smug certainty that they have shown who’s who. Since I’m a little over my 15 minute time limit and I have to get back to determining whether or not LPG is better fed to a deethanizer or depropanizer column from a process and economic standpoint, I’ll pick up the pace and try to chop things up even finer and smaller so that it doesn’t fry the last brain cell you’ve got left. Plus, I just got word that the Electrical Design team downstairs has hot 9-grain bread fresh from the bread maker.

        I’ve no idea what you were intending by the third sentence of your first paragraph. You do know what sentences and paragraphs are, don’t you? I want to be sure since everything in your posts seems to be limited to a finger-painting skill level and I can’t assume a basic understanding of grammar and logic on your part. People like you amuse me. You’re much like the guy who flipped me off while I was honking my horn to alert him to the fact that he left his day planner on the trunk of his car. All sound and fury and no clue what’s happening around him. Or the people who have the “Coexist” bumper sticker on their car while blissfully unaware that the crescent is the symbol that seems to have problems getting along with everyone else. I come to places like this to make sure that my world view is fully thought out and properly challenged and that I haven’t missed something that might be of value. Occasionally the latter occurs. It’s also to laugh. At mental midgets. Like you. Still trying to figure out that third sentence. Must not have a very good Nouner-English / English-Nouner dictionary.

        I don’t personally give a Nouner how people are dressed. I’ve circumnavigated the Earth (In your Crap-speak that means went all the way around) and seen a lot of strange stuff both north and south of the Equator. I do think that there are some things that are probably beyond what an eight year old should see. I’m sure you probably can’t relate as you haven’t reached an eight year old level of maturation. No, my attitude is not just with men in drag. While navigating through Antwerp, my wife and I made our kids put their heads down while we were driving down HuurStraat. Didn’t really figure that seeing prostitutes in the windows in their underwear would help the kids’ education. Someone like you probably figures what’s the big deal.

        Do you know what a libertarian is or what the libertarian point of view is? I highly doubt it. Do yourself a favor, Hypocrite. Take your right thumb out of your mouth and your left finger out of your nose and go to Yahoo or Google and look up libertarian. Libertarians rarely have a concern about what people do provided two things: 1) They are not directly impacted, and 2) They don’t have to pay for it. The critical aspect that you chose to ignore is point 2. No, I’m not talking about the tip of your head. I don’t care if you want to ride a motorcycle without a helmet. In your case, it would probably be superfluous and I’d recommend padding your posterior as there’s obviously much more value there. Don’t wear a helmet. Just don’t make me help spend millions of dollars keeping you alive once you become a vegetable. However, we’re clearly too late for that as far as you’re concerned. Do what you want. Use words incorrectly. Be illogical, incompetent, illiterate and inane. Don’t expect me to respect it and / or subsidize it. That is what it means to be a libertarian. Once again, you are projecting your own position on me. It is not the libertarians who are shutting down speech or blocking things that they don’t like. There has yet to be a campus speech disrupted by the “Young Libertarians.” That’s an artifact of the left. Which is kind of funny since the French word gauche quite literally means “left” and most leftists are gauche in practice as well. Witness your genius treatise.

        No, I didn’t make all kinds of noise about God. It is supposed to be capitalized, you know, as it’s a proper title. In many cases, it would have been written GOD to further emphasize that. One more evidence of your plebeian education and upbringing. Actually, I didn’t use the word God at all and used the word Lord only once. In context of indicating that I was still trying to better understand my obligations. And am still searching for the answers. And am open to reasonable doubt. Like, is there anything between your ears but vacuum? Maybe reasonable is stretching it in your case, but doubt still exists. Does the Star Trek theme play when your doctor looks in your ear. “These are the voyages of the Loser Nouner. To seek out new depths of hypocrisy. To climb new heights of irrelevance. To string together new clusters of irrelevance. To boldly go where no schmuck has gone before.”

        As I’m over my 15 minute limit, so it’s clear that your logic is far inferior to what my Sheltie leaves on my back lawn. It also means I have no time left to cruise several other websites. If you’d like, I can make arrangements with your doctor to scoop some of it up. A brain implant would definitely help you moving forward. Note that I didn’t say transplant as the root of the word implies something was there in the first place.

        My problem is that I have to get working on real things and don’t have time to continue laughing at you. And that’s sad. But someone has to pay the bills. Guess I’ll just have to go home in my massive gas guzzling car and pollute the environment. And laugh all the way because the decisions you make and the votes you cast make your life a lot harder but minimally impact me because government decisions rarely affect me as I’ve got enough residual cash to deal with them. Please do me a big favor. Continue to vote against advancements in technology and science. Increases in the cost of oil and energy only help me and increase my salary. Screwing up education further than you’ve already done, and by the metric of your life and skills we’re well on the other side of a flaming corkscrew into the ground at Mach 2, will mean that you and your kind will be forever relegated to the fryer section of the local McDonalds where I don’t have to look at you. It’s a shame that you’re so mentally flatulent. Were you the inspiration for the “fart gun” in Despicable Me?

  20. Chris

    Bill Maher is funny. These are duds. Amateur hour for sure.

    Anyway, why is this a feminist issue? Huh?

    Reply
  21. Granny

    “… the fact that I’m in a new town trying to find some dinner for my family after church…”

    Wait, Pantherli, you were eating out on the Sabbath?!

    Reply
    • PantherII

      Actually, Granny, yes I was. For some strange reason, we neglected to pack our kitchen and years’ supply in our luggage while we were moving overseas. As a result, and due to my own negligence and knavish tendencies, I had to feed my family while we were living in a hotel and waiting for our household goods to be shipped Transatlantic. I sincerely apologize for giving anyone a chance to demonstrate their own hypocrisy by placing their own feelings onto my actions.

      I think that somewhere in the Old Testament there’s a verse that says something about an ox in a mire and it being acceptable to pull it out on the Sabbath. Then in the New Testament, there’s something about Christ saying that if it’s acceptable to take care of an animal on the Sabbath, how much more acceptable is it to take care of the temporal and spiritual needs of people on the Sabbath.

      You might want to learn your religion a bit better before you comment on others’ actions.

      Reply
  22. Rebecca

    Until the members actually walk, voting with their feet since raising hands to the square clearly doesn’t work—they’ll be left supporting the same misogynistic, homophobic organization they often mock.

    Then these same young mormons grow up to be married older Mormons who send their teens off on missions to continue to perpetuate homophobia.

    Just end it already.

    Reply
  23. ninelegyak

    How about this:

    OUTSIDE “‘Till death do you part….”

    INSIDE: “No, really, you will part at death, because your marriage is not eternal.”

    🙂

    Reply
  24. Holly

    Cover: Mr. & Mr. Inside: It just doesn’t sound right. Because it isn’t.

    Reply
  25. anonymous

    As a non-Mormon lesbian, I find this cards to be highly offensive to the LGBT community – Satire or not.

    It sets back all the progress we’ve made by a few years.

    Reply
  26. Porter

    Sounds like your a true heterophobic. You accept all opinions as long as they agree with yours.

    Reply
  27. PawleysIslandSC

    IF WE GOT RIDE OF ALL RELIGIONS THERE WOULD NOT BE ANY HATRED TOWARD MAN OR WOMAN. TOO MANY PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM RELIGIOUS PROSECUTION.

    Reply

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