This guest post by Hunter Mills is a satirical response to the infamous “Singles Ward Hopper,” whose website (found here) has provided endless intrigue, outrage, and hilarity to anyone acquainted with the good folks that make up LDS YSA wards.
I hope we can meet one day. You obviously have not been to the right single’s ward: mine is in Henderson, Nevada, not Las Vegas. You were so close. (Since you are always traveling, maybe you could come visit?)
I think we would be a great match. I am average height and very thin. (Everyone tells me I need to eat more. I was just gifted with a fast metabolism and I exercise to stay healthy. And both of my parents are skinny, so I will probably always stay this way) I also have piercing eyes—most men I have dated told me they noticed my eyes first. And it’s 100% natural. I have always wanted to marry someone with beautiful eyes so our children would have great eyes like me.
I hope I am not one of those girls that men look at when they are addicted to pornography. People tell me I am beautiful, and I would feel so guilty if my divine gift of beauty was leading men into sin. I am always very careful to guard the virtue of the men around me by covering up my chest, shoulders, and knees, but I can’t really do anything about my big eyes or my tight abs and long, thin legs.
I would never expect you to give up your morals for me, but I am a bit worried. If we get married, can we shoot for more than a ten-minute thrill at least sometimes? It sounds like sex has lost its appeal for you, but my friends say that longer periods of intimacy were better for getting pregnant, so I think it’s important to sometimes try to make it last. It’s for the children.
I have to confess, I have gone to college. But it was just to fill the time and to find a husband. I went places with lots of Mormons so I could increase my odds, but it didn’t work out for me either. I promise my education has not taught me to think or hold opinions different from those who want what’s best for me (right now I depend a lot on my parents and my church leaders, but I hope that one day a really good man will be able to fill in for my parents. I am one of the youngest in my family and I know my parents won’t be around forever).
Like you, I don’t believe in weird diets (I’m already skinny) or silly causes or selfish political groups. I don’t even listen to people like that because I know they are just trying to confuse me. I am so impressed you sat through so many dates with those women with ideas. I would have left the restaurant. I promise if we went on a date that we would only talk about righteous things and I would be very interested in all of your ideas. (I mean, you’re a lawyer, so you have been to lots of school and you must be really smart. I bet you could teach me a lot.)
I hope your European mission was in a foreign-speaking country. I want my children to know two languages even before they start school, and I know that would be possible if I had a righteous priesthood holder to speak to them in another language.
I think your sister is silly for not accepting your gifts: it is wonderful that you want her to be happy by letting her buy things. I wish I had a brother like that. I have to work to buy anything I want, and it is so hard! Right now I have to deal with lots of men checking me out and women being jealous of me and crazy women telling me how great it is that I am single and earn my own salary. I wish I could share Heavenly Father’s divine plan with them. There is so much confusion in the world. And don’t get me started on the women who check me out. Ewww. I mean, it’s Adam and Eve, not Anna and Eve. At least if the porn addicts look at me, they are acting on evil urges
that Heavenly Father can forgive.
Once I get married, I hope my husband will know I am not meant work in public and he will just give me everything. Like all women, I was meant to be a stay-at-home mother in Zion. Unless my husband thinks I should work, and then maybe we’ll pray about it together. But I plan to marry a righteous priesthood holder, so I know he’d make the right choice.
Skinny and Single in Nevada