not in Primary anymore

to the singles ward hopper

This guest post by Hunter Mills is a satirical response to the infamous “Singles Ward Hopper,” whose website (found here) has provided endless intrigue, outrage, and hilarity to anyone acquainted with the good folks that make up LDS YSA wards.

Behold, the Singles Ward Hopper, as confirmed by people from FMH who have met him.

Behold, the Singles Ward Hopper, as confirmed by people from FMH who have met him.

also him

also him

Dear Hopper,

I hope we can meet one day. You obviously have not been to the right single’s ward: mine is in Henderson, Nevada, not Las Vegas. You were so close. (Since you are always traveling, maybe you could come visit?)

I think we would be a great match. I am average height and very thin. (Everyone tells me I need to eat more. I was just gifted with a fast metabolism and I exercise to stay healthy. And both of my parents are skinny, so I will probably always stay this way) I also have piercing eyes—most men I have dated told me they noticed my eyes first. And it’s 100% natural. I have always wanted to marry someone with beautiful eyes so our children would have great eyes like me.

I hope I am not one of those girls that men look at when they are addicted to pornography. People tell me I am beautiful, and I would feel so guilty if my divine gift of beauty was leading men into sin. I am always very careful to guard the virtue of the men around me by covering up my chest, shoulders, and knees, but I can’t really do anything about my big eyes or my tight abs and long, thin legs.

I would never expect you to give up your morals for me, but I am a bit worried. If we get married, can we shoot for more than a ten-minute thrill at least sometimes? It sounds like sex has lost its appeal for you, but my friends say that longer periods of intimacy were better for getting pregnant, so I think it’s important to sometimes try to make it last. It’s for the children.

I have to confess, I have gone to college. But it was just to fill the time and to find a husband. I went places with lots of Mormons so I could increase my odds, but it didn’t work out for me either. I promise my education has not taught me to think or hold opinions different from those who want what’s best for me (right now I depend a lot on my parents and my church leaders, but I hope that one day a really good man will be able to fill in for my parents. I am one of the youngest in my family and I know my parents won’t be around forever).

Like you, I don’t believe in weird diets (I’m already skinny) or silly causes or selfish political groups. I don’t even listen to people like that because I know they are just trying to confuse me. I am so impressed you sat through so many dates with those women with ideas. I would have left the restaurant. I promise if we went on a date that we would only talk about righteous things and I would be very interested in all of your ideas. (I mean, you’re a lawyer, so you have been to lots of school and you must be really smart. I bet you could teach me a lot.)

I hope your European mission was in a foreign-speaking country. I want my children to know two languages even before they start school, and I know that would be possible if I had a righteous priesthood holder to speak to them in another language.

I think your sister is silly for not accepting your gifts: it is wonderful that you want her to be happy by letting her buy things. I wish I had a brother like that. I have to work to buy anything I want, and it is so hard!  Right now I have to deal with lots of men checking me out and women being jealous of me and crazy women telling me how great it is that I am single and earn my own salary. I wish I could share Heavenly Father’s divine plan with them. There is so much confusion in the world. And don’t get me started on the women who check me out. Ewww. I mean, it’s Adam and Eve, not Anna and Eve. At least if the porn addicts look at me, they are acting on evil urges
that Heavenly Father can forgive.

Once I get married, I hope my husband will know I am not meant work in public and he will just give me everything.  Like all women, I was meant to be a stay-at-home mother in Zion. Unless my husband thinks I should work, and then maybe we’ll pray about it together. But I plan to marry a righteous priesthood holder, so I know he’d make the right choice.

Love,

Skinny and Single in Nevada

Advertisements

6 Responses to “to the singles ward hopper”

  1. Jacob H.

    I only wish the hopper was merely satire. But he’s not the only one I’ve seen that seems ruined by the effects of correlation and the handi snack gospel. I sometimes think folks like this deserve better — they deserve to have been raised in a more normal, or maybe a less demanding faith tradition.

    But maybe that comes from being too close to our faith, too aware of its snares. Ours is not the only tradition that breeds casualties like this. No approach to life is free from those who would fail miserably following it. It’s part of the beauty and tragedy of human existence. Only, as latter-day saints, how can mitigate this particular product of our culture?

    Reply
    • hannahwheelwright

      I wish there was a clear answer to that question! I’d like to know the answer myself. I think there’s some small things we could do- encourage each other to be less judgmental, don’t view every single person as a potential dating prospect from day 1 (take the time to get to know people first instead of only valuing them for their romantic potential), keep the focus in singles wards still on Christ and the gospel instead of allowing them to become (as they do sometimes in some places) simply meetups for dates and getting to know Mormons near you. I think those small things would go a long way in specifically improving YSA wards.

      Reply
    • hannahwheelwright

      People from FMH who have met him have confirmed that this is really him. Either they talked to him enough at the time, or his law profile was just easy to track down on the internet.

      Reply
  2. dolly

    *whistle whistle whistle* how is he still single??????????????????? <——and a million more question marks.

    sucks for you, ms nevada, for having the imbecile hippy professor at UVU.

    keep up the good work, i like your tone.

    a new internet friend of the same tribe,

    dolly

    Reply
  3. Anonymous

    I think that both the hopper and the writer of this post are losers.

    The hopper obviously suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, and the pathetic woman who responded to his rant is a submissive airhead who’s not smart enough to think for herself.

    Fact: I’m a doctor and proud to be a single woman. Yes, it would be nice to marry, alas most single Mormon men don’t want an educated, successful woman. They are looking for a dependent and beautiful nanny for their future children.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

%d bloggers like this: