not in Primary anymore

as missionaries do

Guest post by Janeva, originally posted here.

Dear Sister:

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

FINALLY. I was 22, a college graduate and ready to go. I’d been wanting to serve a mission for virtually my entire life. Seriously. I asked my dad what I had to do to be a missionary when I was about ten. He told me I had to toe the line and choose the right, because you had to be pretty righteous to be a missionary.

So I did. I toed the line. And I was really, really good at toeing the line. And now all of that righteousness would pay off.

I was ready – oh, SO ready – to serve. Ready to learn. Ready to go. Ready to see. Ready to FEEL. Ready to experience.

You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center in September 2011. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the Spanish language.

My MTC experience was truly wonderful. I LOVED the elders in my district and my two companions. We were a close-knit group of what ended up as 9 missionaries headed to Argentina. Truly, it was the best experience of my mission.

That said, I began to notice something unexpected.

My first Sunday, I went with my companions to Relief Society. How nice it was to see other women, but how small of a group were we! Maybe 200 sisters (including MTC support staff), compared to the thousands of elders. The MTC President’s wife began the meeting, and informed us that new sisters were asked to stay after RS for the first 2 weeks of their MTC experience for an orientation of sorts.

The first orientation meeting was about health and hygiene. (Honestly, I don’t remember much about that one.) But the second week, our orientation was about proper grooming. In that meeting, we learned the eternal doctrines of appropriate skirt length, proper hair care and what clothing styles and accessories were acceptable.

We were also informed of expectations of behavior. We were not to play with our companion’s hair. We were not to pat or scratch her back. We were not to be physically affectionate beyond the traditional handshake and the occasional light, brief hug. These expectations were, of course, in addition to the rules detailed in the missionary handbook and in the MTC pamphlet.

Why were we to follow these rules? To not distract the elders or even the administrating brethren. (I’m not kidding – that was part of the presentation.)

I, being the obedient, willing missionary I was listened to these instructions with some skepticism. I had always believed that morality was the responsibility of the individual and that my actions concerning modesty would influence my eternal welfare and no one else’s. But, for the sake of obedience, I complied.

We trudged back to our 5th-floor classroom to our elders and MTC life resumed. But over the next few weeks, I began to notice: elders were allowed to sit on each others’ laps. Elders were allowed to give each other back rubs. Elders were allowed to join in multiple-person extended hugs. All of these activities were condoned with little to no backlash.

I was peeved at this. Not that the elders were allowed to participate in those activities, but that they were allowed to do it while I and my fellow sisters weren’t. Even though WE were serving the Lord too. Even though WE were the minorities there. Even though WE were worthy children of God too. I just couldn’t understand the double-standard.

Then, my third week in, they announced a special speaker would be coming to address us after RS. I grumbled, but mostly because I had been looking forward to 45 minutes of free time (read: nap time).

A woman came to speak to us about beauty and grooming. What I remember most about her presentation was this: As a sister missionary, you have to be as beautiful as the message you are sharing. People won’t take you seriously if you and your message don’t match up. So since you’re sharing the message of the Gospel – the most beautiful thing imaginable – you’d better match up.

She then taught us ways to do our hair and makeup, and explained that it really WAS possible to be a beautiful missionary inside and out. She, of course, knew this because she had served a mission in France 20 years ago.

I didn’t really allow this to bother me at the time. I was experienced at ignoring those types of messages (one of the many things I’d learned in YW). Eventually I figured I’d just better get over it and that everything would be different in the field.

You are assigned to labor in Argentina.

My first few months in Argentina were a bit of a whirlwind. Some heartbreak, some homesickness, some frustration (Spanish was hard! Why didn’t those people just. speak. ENGLISH??), some joy – really some of everything. I loved my area and my trainer. This was the stuff homecoming talks were made of.

Then I was transferred.

Over the next few months (and for many reasons), I began to sink downward. I was dying on the inside. My new area was hard. It was a notoriously difficult area. I raised my head in defiance. I could do this. No – GOD and I could do this.

Despite the inner turmoil and struggles I was having, I began to notice the unexpected again. The mission schedule is really intended for elders. I still think it’s generally unreasonable to expect two women to “be as beautiful as the Gospel” in one hour, when you’re starting out sweaty from a workout. And then to maintain that during the day? During hours and hours of walking through steaming, summery South American streets? Yet again, even in the field, I was taught that that – my appearance – was my duty as an hermana misionera.

In every area but one of my mission, my companion and I were the only hermanas in a sea of elders. All of the elders seemed to know each other – there was a general camaraderie, a general brothership. Each brother was welcomed to his area with gusto and kindness by at least nine others. *I* was extended a hug from my companion and the stiff MTC handshakes of elders who were fearful of getting too close to us.

And while I wouldn’t want to change it for them, I grew to envy that brotherhood. To envy the friendships they were able to make because they were able to serve each other and with each other. I envied the support system that was built in for them… an opportunity not afforded to me or my hermanas because of our limited numbers.

It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.

Over time, it began to be apparent that I would not be serving for 18 months, for reasons that are still personal and raw to me. Suffice it to say, I was having problems. BIG problems. I wasn’t unworthy, and I wasn’t giving up. I was just miserable.

During this very, very painful period, I began to feel very lonely. I felt abandoned on all sides, geographically distanced from my loved ones, and absolutely alone. I cried out for help in the outlets I had: I was in frequent contact with my mission president, elders (including some very special DL’s) reached out to me, and I even called some past companions for help.

None of it worked.

As a naturally private person, it was hard for me to open up to these people. These people who barely knew me were the ones I was telling my deepest heartbreaks and problems. I began to feel uncomfortable again.

I always felt like the leaders (read: Priesthood) that were responsible for me always knew more than I was comfortable with them knowing. And like they would talk to each other about it and I wasn’t invited, even though it was me they were talking about. Like there was some big priesthood club that made up the mission – and, heck, the CHURCH – and that I wasn’t invited because I was female. All of anything spiritual had to be passed through them – unnecessary past sin “confessions” (in hopes that that would fix the problem), permission to call home, etc.

I was permanently and forever in the place of reporting to a man (even GOD was a man) things that I had a hard time articulating to my parents and loved ones… and even to myself.

There was no other outlet. My hermanas and I, we were not allowed to develop deep friendships with each other. We were not afforded time to develop a connection with my mission president’s wife (at one point, we lived in different provinces… how could we possibly bond?). It was us versus a world of men, and, I was told, that was how God intended it to be.

The Lord will reward you for the goodness of your life. Greater blessings and more happiness than you have yet experienced await you as you humbly and prayerfully serve the Lord in this labor of love among His children.

Last June, I came home. It’s been a long, hard road since then. I still don’t have all the answers. Some things are still really hard. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my life before – the one without problems and complications. The world where I knew what was right and wrong. The world where things like feminism were topics I learned about in school and then could brush off as I stepped into a church building.

But I can’t do that anymore. And somehow, in my pain, I stumbled upon FMH. And found that there were other people like me – other people who had the same concerns and the same questions. People who were willing to stand up for what they believed, even if all of it didn’t come over a pulpit in Salt Lake. Genuine people with real stories, real lives,real problems and real testimonies. A group of people I felt I connected with.

I’m still waiting for the supposed blessings from serving my mission. I hope they come in time, and I hope that somewhere out there, God is okay with my mission, and, more importantly, me – the true me, the me I’m still discovering. Even if that me is a feminist.

9 Responses to “as missionaries do”

  1. Anonymous

    Quit comparing yourself to the boys. Only you thought about it as women vs the men. The elders were too busy taking care of their areas. You also look at it the wrong way: the point of your mission was to serve the Lord more than to build camaraderie. Women going on a mission isn’t mandatory. When you choose to do something that isn’t mandatory for you, don’t expect people to go out of their way to facilitate you.

    • weedlord bonerhitler

      Hey, this was a really shitty thing to say and you should feel bad for saying it.

      Thank you Janeva for writing such a wonderful post!

    • Blythe

      When attacking a post, you should really leave your name because it shows that you can stand by your opinion. Otherwise, it’s kind of empty.

      While the point of her mission was to serve the Lord, it is hard to focus when one’s needs aren’t being met, and that includes nurturing on some level (from friends, family, mentors, etc…).

      The reason men didn’t (and don’t) think about women vs men is because they are the privileged party. As you take away one’s privilege, it becomes an identifying factor. I believe it is Michael Kimmel, a revered sociologist, who discusses that as you are privileged in a particular way, that quality becomes invisible you.

      Janeva, I think this post is absolutely beautiful. THank you for the insight into struggle and faith.

  2. justinanfinsen

    Janeva, thank you so much for sharing your story, you make a lot of great observations about what it is like to be a Sister missionary. Other Sisters I have known on my mission and ones I have talked to after share many of the same concerns, so you are definitely not alone. As you can see by the completely thoughtless and arrogant poster above me, there are plenty negative misconceptions about Sister missionaries, as apparently if your sacrifice isn’t “mandatory” it does not entitle you to be treated like a human being with needs.

    Thank you for sharing this in the hopes that other future missionaries and mission leaders will be more mindful of the needs of people who choose to serve.

  3. Sír Jeff Meadows

    Serviste en Argentina, y por eso voy a responder en español. (Y también quiero la practica de la idioma)

    Lo que escribist es muy excelent, muy chevere diría. Gracias por compartir tus experiencias, especialment a lo mejor era dificil compartirlos, por lo que dijiste de ser una persona cerrada, de no estar comodo de compartir tus secretas y dudas con personas ni verás.

    No soy feminista(o?), pero no es malo ser feminista. Sí, hay una precepción de que feministas son locas o lo que sea, a quizas algunas hay, pero la idea de deseo de mejorar su vida no es malo. No debes tener verguanza de ser feminista, solo que lo veas con todo lo mas de la vida en buscar revelación y guía de dios.

    Espero que encuentres quien quieres, no, espero que te conviertes a quien eres, y quizas no es tan recognizable; un hija poderosa de Dios, con gran fe y testimonio en el evangelio. Espero que encuentres las respuestas que busques y que seas feliz.

  4. Andy

    I’ve seen this happen in my own mission (2007-2009). I served where the church was much smaller and the ratio of female to male missionaries was not quite so bad, so we got to know each other better. But I still experienced district and zone leaders in the mission talking about sisters as if they were less than the brothers or were inherently worse missionaries. They were not, as the number of families converted who stayed active by sister missionaries vs male missionaries showed.

    I also remember in the MTC, one sister in my district (we were a close-knit group of 2 sisters and 6 elders) questioned a point of doctrine. She wasn’t trying to claim it was wrong just that she was struggling to understand how it could be. She was dealt with very harshly by members of our branch presidency and it was even suggested that she go home to gain a testimony before attempting to serve a mission. This was over one simple point that was not even central to our doctrine and which she only asked about on two occasions. Her testimony was strong and she went on to serve a wonderful mission even with this small question in the back of her mind at the start. Elders with questions were never dealt with this way because there was a feeling they were “supposed” to be on a mission and stick it out no matter what unless some grave sin was involved. Sisters were reminded that they could go home at any time to get married.

    I learned from the sisters in my group that they both felt very pressured by their bishops and other leaders to rethink their decision. That they should really consider furthering their relationships instead. They were often told about the importance of marriage and family and asked repeatedly if this was the right decision for them. Talking to other sisters on my mission, I found that almost all of them had similar experiences. I as an elder had only felt pressure in the opposite direction. It seemed so unfair to make these sisters fight so hard for the privilege to go on a mission when they had already thought, studied, and prayed about it far more than many Elders I know and had already received their answer.

    I appreciate your post and that you are willing to talk about such a difficult and personal subject. I hope my fellow brethren will eventually open their hearts to your message and will end this behavior sooner rather than later.

  5. Frank Pellett

    Wow, what a difference a generation makes. 20 years before, the elders had a hard time with the group shower, and no one was looking to give back rubs, sit on laps, or have group hugs. Course, I also have no idea what grooming classes the women were required to take in the MTC. Certainly weren’t any for the men, and some could have used them.

    Heading home early is hard, no matter what the reason (been there).

    Have you thought about bringing this to the attention of the general RS President? Granted, she may be the force behind these classes, but I have a feeling it’s more from the MTC President’s wife.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it gets better. 🙂

  6. Jaclyn

    I like the topic of this post for a couple reasons.
    1. Sisters in the mission field are still kind of unknown territory. While chronologically they have been going on missionaries for quite some time, so few have gone that over that time period there doesn’t seem to have been a proper integration of sister missionaries. But it’s so great that improvements are being made! With the leadership roles that sisters will now have, I can only imagine that sister missionaries will feel that they have someone to go to more often and are a more important part of the mission field. Especially as so many more sisters are entering the mission field.
    2. Even prominent leaders in the church are not perfect. Like the previous post mentioned, the lessons you got in the MTC were probably because of the MTC president’s wife or some other leader who felt it was necessary and then totally went about it the wrong way. I know that hygiene and proper grooming is an issue with a lot of sister missionaries. Unfortunately, girls just take more time to get ready! Maybe all we need to do is ask for a little more time for the ladies and the problem would be solved. I once talked with a mission president’s wife who was dealing with the awkward situation of asking a few sisters to get their very obvious mustaches waxed off. While she didn’t want to offend them, she knew that unfortunately people might not take these sisters as seriously because they weren’t well groomed. I think this is a valid point. It seems like this point was extended a little too far in the MTC while you were there to imply that the gospel message would be less beautiful if shared by a not beautiful sister. With all of the beautiful but self-conscious women out there this was a bad message.
    3. Missions are hard. You do your best and hopefully you’re okay with the job you did. That’s all there is to it.


    So, I couldn’t believe it — confessional love poems in a completely modern voice, Out!but it wasn’t only Andy hogging the headlines.Scroll down for videoKim 27 caused a storm of controversy after she was caught out on national television unleashing a torrent of swear words during the semis? calling it ‘disgraceful behaviour’.Rain as acidic as VINEGAR fell during the Great Dying: Vanilla-flavoured rocks suggest volcanoes caused the planet’s worst mass extinction The Great Dying’ Mark Sephton,’He would give his food to the dog,’ said his 42-year-old father. sharing private jokes and a few quiet words as they awaited their guests.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

%d bloggers like this: