satire response to elder ballard’s lipstick speech
guest post by Revo Praxis
[“Sisters, don’t go around looking like men. Wear a little lipstick from time to time. It’s not that hard.” – Elder M. Russell Ballard at a Young Single Adult (YSA) devotional earlier this year.]
Painting the Barn of our Brethren
To our Brothers of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have seen and heard the difficulty of finding your eternal companion. I think we have forgotten that as the brethren, our bodies are temples, and as such we need to keep it worthy — spiritually as well as temporally. In days past, a successful mission and a mediocre personality almost guaranteed the cream of the crop with little to no effort. This is not the case with the infinite growth of capitalism anymore. We are the 2nd hand base model that had its hayday fifty-plus years ago. It’s difficult to compete with personality and conversation outside of the church, and the temptation of egalitarian relationships has led many sisters away. To salvage what we can, and to stem the loss of our sisters, I have ponderized a few points to maximize you finding your companion.
• One temporal point is to hit the gym. We have been asking our sisters to be modest Barbies for decades, and as I look to the brethren I definitely don’t see any Kens. It takes me a month of work to attain washboard abs and another month to be able to take a baseball bat to the stomach. Make sure you work upper, lower and sides so you don’t peak out a month in. To our thicker brothers, you may not be able to pull this off, and you’ll never have the right body till you die, so just make sure you have ripped arms and a strong back and everything will work itself out in the afterlife.
• We have been defining worth to our sisters by motherhood forever. If you are not making $50,000-plus a year, how is your wife supposed to fulfill her calling if you can’t cover the bills with three kids?
• Modesty and frugality is a key tenet for our sisters. We still ask them to dress up for you, so you need to do the same. Modest purchases doesn’t mean the Walmart 3 pack of dress shirts if you want to be taken seriously. At the very least buy on sale at J.Crew or Nordstroms, maybe have a sizing activity at church so you can get your measurements so you are not wearing that horse blanket of a suit.
• I know you don’t know how to do laundry or cook, so this is definitely “a not all truth is useful” moment. Instead of outwardly letting everyone know you’re going to Mommy’s house to have laundry done and your frozen homemade meals, take the credit like we do when any female has an idea and it’s completely ignored. Just bring it up five seconds later and…voila! You’re the smartest, most competent cat on the block.
With this I hope we can continue to grow and thrive in all things spiritually and temporally in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.
Young Mormon Feminists 
One Response to “satire response to elder ballard’s lipstick speech”
I’d add a couple items to the list:
-Get a decent haircut
-Learn something interesting, like an instrument or a language or an intersting hobby. Too many young men think a lousy job and a temple recommend is all they need. It’s time to ante up and learn something.
-There isn’t a good way to get social standing for this, but brethren, if you’re not good in the sack you’re doing your eternal companion a huge disservice. Not married? Get fit and read some books. Women’s anatomy is involved but not rocket science. Learn to please a woman. If you don’t have a bottle of good-quality lube by the bed you need to get some STAT- I recommend pjur eros bodyglide.
-Trim you fingernails you disgusting slob
-Chances are you’ve gained some weight recently. Lose it.
-If your spouse doesn’t own at least one premium vibrator you need to look into it. If she’s dead set against it that’s one thing, but if she’s even a little curious, buy her the Hitachi Magic Wand. Yeah it’s like $50 but it’s the finest vibe money can buy. If it’s too intense at first put it just, like, around her clit.
-Get some decent ties that aren’t from DI or Goodwill. Yeah that’s where you got ties on your mission but it’s time to wear a decently thick tie with a proper knot. If you’re not tying a least a half-windsor get out.
-You should at least occasionally do an activity that ends in -lingus .
-Stop wearing your ironic video game or movie tie-in shirts and ties so much. Dress like a grownup, not like a person camped out for a movie premiere.
-When was the last time you got your spouse a decent piece of jewelry? Doesn’t have to be fancy- a set of sterling silver CZ stud earrings is like 20 bucks. Your wife says she doesn’t need a lot of jewelry and it’s totally true, but she kinda means “right now this second”. If she hates hates hates jewelry don’t get her any, but if she wears earrings even every now and then you need to be filling out her collection piece by piece over time, like you do with tools. Yeah you don’t need a 12″ joiner and an engine welder right now this year, but damn if you’re not going to have a couple of decent screwdrivers and some nice pliers. Jewelry is the same way.