guest post by Revo Praxis
[“Sisters, don’t go around looking like men. Wear a little lipstick from time to time. It’s not that hard.” – Elder M. Russell Ballard at a Young Single Adult (YSA) devotional earlier this year.]
Painting the Barn of our Brethren
To our Brothers of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have seen and heard the difficulty of finding your eternal companion. I think we have forgotten that as the brethren, our bodies are temples, and as such we need to keep it worthy — spiritually as well as temporally. In days past, a successful mission and a mediocre personality almost guaranteed the cream of the crop with little to no effort. This is not the case with the infinite growth of capitalism anymore. We are the 2nd hand base model that had its hayday fifty-plus years ago. It’s difficult to compete with personality and conversation outside of the church, and the temptation of egalitarian relationships has led many sisters away. To salvage what we can, and to stem the loss of our sisters, I have ponderized a few points to maximize you finding your companion.
• One temporal point is to hit the gym. We have been asking our sisters to be modest Barbies for decades, and as I look to the brethren I definitely don’t see any Kens. It takes me a month of work to attain washboard abs and another month to be able to take a baseball bat to the stomach. Make sure you work upper, lower and sides so you don’t peak out a month in. To our thicker brothers, you may not be able to pull this off, and you’ll never have the right body till you die, so just make sure you have ripped arms and a strong back and everything will work itself out in the afterlife.
• We have been defining worth to our sisters by motherhood forever. If you are not making $50,000-plus a year, how is your wife supposed to fulfill her calling if you can’t cover the bills with three kids?
• Modesty and frugality is a key tenet for our sisters. We still ask them to dress up for you, so you need to do the same. Modest purchases doesn’t mean the Walmart 3 pack of dress shirts if you want to be taken seriously. At the very least buy on sale at J.Crew or Nordstroms, maybe have a sizing activity at church so you can get your measurements so you are not wearing that horse blanket of a suit.
• I know you don’t know how to do laundry or cook, so this is definitely “a not all truth is useful” moment. Instead of outwardly letting everyone know you’re going to Mommy’s house to have laundry done and your frozen homemade meals, take the credit like we do when any female has an idea and it’s completely ignored. Just bring it up five seconds later and…voila! You’re the smartest, most competent cat on the block.
With this I hope we can continue to grow and thrive in all things spiritually and temporally in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.