by Averyl Dietering
WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a brunette and a blonde is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.
ALL HUMAN BEINGS—brunette and blonde—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Hair color is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit brunettes and blondes knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Brunette and accepted His hair-care plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.
THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as brunette and blonde. We declare that God’s commandment for His hairy children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between brunettes and blondes, lawfully wedded as brunette and blonde.
WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.
BRUNETTES AND BLONDES have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their brunette and blonde children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Brunettes and blondes have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Brunettes and blondes will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.
THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between brunette and blonde is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the braids of matrimony, and to be reared by a brunette and a blonde who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, shampooing, and conditioning. By divine design, brunettes are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Blondes are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, brunettes and blondes are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, split ends, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.
WE WARN that brunettes and blondes who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family and thinning of hair will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.
WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family and the scalp as the fundamental unit of society.*
*Remember, God created humankind in his own image, brunette and blonde. The world will tell you that hair-color-roles are not inherent, or are learned by society, and that we ought to break out of hair-color-roles. They would have you believe that hair color isn’t important, that you should dye your hair, that two brunettes can get married, or that there are hair colors outside of blonde and brunette. But prophets have revealed to us that blondes are divinely blonde and are fundamentally different from and complimentary to brunettes. Likewise, brunettes are eternally brunette, and their brunette-ness allows them to hold the priesthood. Children have a right to be raised by a brunette and a blonde—how else will they understand their own divine hair-color-roles as brunettes and blondes?
If you feel like you are a blonde attracted to other blondes, or if you feel like sometimes you are going bald, remember that you are a brunette or blonde of God and that you can resist these temptations. If you want to know the Church’s stance on these alternative hairstyles, please visit our new website: mormonsandredheads.com.