why i won’t be married in the temple
The promise of eternal families through temple marriage is at the very core of Mormon doctrine. Temple marriage brings with it the hope of the highest kingdom of heaven, and is accompanied by promises of earthly blessings brought by a marriage sealed in the temple. Despite all of this importance, and the prominence of temple marriage in Mormon culture, I have made the decision that I will never be married in the temple.
This decision isn’t a rejection of LDS beliefs, rather it is a decision that has evolved out of realizations that in my life the temple will never be a comfort to me like church leaders have promised. I reject the notion that this life is to be lived with a one-size-fits-all approach, which is why I’m not ashamed of making decision that will be the best for me – regardless of how blasphemous it seems.
My initial discomfort surrounding temple marriage was born out of temporal concerns. I could not imagine excluding my immediate family from the actual marriage portion of my wedding day. On a day that is traditionally celebrated with family and friends, it would feel cruel and wrong to leave my own father sitting outside of the temple unable to witness the marriage of his daughter. I realized as a young teen that when church leaders spoke of families being together forever (and in the temple) they meant a very certain type of family- a type of family that my family didn’t match. This brought on anxiety and frustration whenever the temple was brought up, as the things being taught would never apply to my family.
As a Laurel I was asked by my Young Women’s leaders to pick out several items for a wedding timecapsule: a picture of my dream dress, dream ring, and the temple that I wanted to get married in. Printing off pictures of wedding dresses and diamond rings seemed like a silly activity, but it wasn’t until I got to choosing the temple that I stopped in my tracks. I was uncomfortable with imagining a wedding day that would be secret from my friends and family (a wedding ceremony that at the time I had never been taught the details of.) My sweet leaders were so focused on making the activity perfect for each girl that they spent a considerable amount of time trying to help me decide which temple I would like to put into my time capsule. What I didn’t tell them was that it didn’t matter which temple they put in my time capsule, I didn’t plan on getting married there anyway.
As an adult my concerns with the temple evolved and became spiritual. Because the temple is treated with such secrecy I had no idea what actually happened inside those white walls. Upon seeing that the images I had in my mind were nothing like the reality of the temple, I felt betrayed. I had been misled and felt lied to. So many things I knew about Christ and my Heavenly Parents seemed to fly in the face of these sacred ordinances. I had never been taught to worship a sexist God, yet the temple rituals are sexist. For the purpose of this post I will omit these details, however for an excellent overview of how the temple is sexist I recommend reading this article. Suddenly, the same event I had been so sad to exclude my family from became an exchange that I wanted nothing to do with.
I will never speak wedding vows that will not be returned to me with the same promises and commitments. I will never covenant to a spouse who is unable to covenant to me. I would never dream of entering into a marriage that is formed on sexist foundations. To make such a one-sided commitment would be to betray myself. To enter into such an ordinance would be submitting myself as a participant of the systematic oppression that haunts women in the LDS Church.
I deeply respect my feminist sisters who have found peace in the temple, and those who cherish their temple sealing. In no way do I mean to belittle them or deny them of their spiritual experiences. I simply cannot enter into a temple marriage knowing what I know, and I have chosen to speak out about the reasons instead of remaining silent.
Young Mormon Feminists 
64 Responses to “why i won’t be married in the temple”
Reading this makes me feel like you read my mind. I feel the same way. Thanks for posting this.
I was married in the temple to an abusive husband at age 20, and divorced him at age 21. Ever since then, whenever I’ve had the opportunity to remarry (always to men who wanted to marry in the temple), I’ve found myself suicidal. I haven’t been able to bring myself to remarry (and I’m now 42), because I’d rather be dead than lose my personal power as I experienced in my temple marriage.
I’ve recently left the Church over this, and believe I will now be able to move forward with my life because I have finally rejected the sexism of the Church and the temple.
Way to go girl! Good for you for having respect for yourself and loving yourself first! Be happy in the body God has blessed you with and the life He’s given you! Appreciate the gift’s He has given us and walk forward with a smile 🙂
I am so terribly sorry for the abuse that you received at the hands of your husband. On all and every level that should NEVER happen to anyone, especially from someone we trust and love. Having said that may I gently point out that the Temple did not abuse you nor did the Church. It was a man who professed to be something he was not. There is no sexism in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. People, yes. God, no. Jesus Christ is the great healer and if you diligently seek Him, He will heal even those hurts you now think can never be healed. I love you and pray for peace and comfort in your life as you strive to find your way.
Beautifully said. Do not mistake the faults of individuals as the faults of the Savior and his church.
Don’t get married in the Temple then. It’s quite simple. You can be married civilly and then sealed later. Boom, problem of having all your family there solved.
Sexism? Hardly. Both parties are received of the other. They then covenant to God. I fail to see the sexism.
You ought to be careful about criticizing ordinances. If you believe in a God who reveals His ordinances to His children, you may be found condemning the very God you worship.
As I stated above, I do not worship a sexist God. You might want to review the temple sealing, which you can do in the article I linked above. In it a woman covenants to harken unto her husband, and he fails to return that same promise. Additionally there are other elements within the temple (such as women veiling).
Actually, *you* need to review the Temple Sealing. The *sealing* mentions nothing about harkening unto her husband.
Oh, whoops thanks for that catch! 🙂 It’s getting late here. The implications of that language can be found in the endowment. With similar sexist hang ups in the initiatories. I do wish you would read what I linked above, but seeing as you are set not to do so I’ll just quote it here to you in regards to the sealing itself. “It’s also unfortunate that in the sealing ordinance, a woman “gives” herself to be her husband while the man merely “receives” her. As in, he doesn’t give himself equally to her during the sealing rite. In the endowment, women as servants of their husbands, but now they’re being treated as possessions of their husbands.”
A man does not give himself to a woman because there may be a polygamist union. He cannot give himself to one woman if, in this life or the next, he is to receive another.
Next you will say polygamy is sexist. Ok, if you say so. If, as Joseph Smith taught, one of the purposes of polygamy is to bring more offspring into righteous families then it makes little sense for a woman to have multiple husbands as she can only carry a child from one of them at a time.
You state your God isn’t sexist. Who is He (She)?
Go home, troll.
I am home, laying on top of my bed. At what point does an individual become a troll? By what standards are you labeling me a troll?
I simply stated my case for why I believe the ritual’s wording isn’t sexist. Does that make me a troll?
Perhaps it was my questioning of who your Deity is?
No, it does not seem silly at all. The relationship between someone and their God is personal, it is theirs and only theirs. It is okay to ask, but if the person does not seem to want to share, then don’t push.
And by the way, just because your deity has a theology, still doesn’t make him/her any more likely to be real. It just means people are creative and able to come up with stories 🙂
Hey Jaxon, If a women can only carry one baby at a time, how do you explain twins? or triplets? Woooh man, #mindblown.
Jaxon,
Why yes, polygamy IS sexist! If the top level of heaven is going to mean having to give birth to children for the rest of eternity while sharing my husband in a sort of heavenly-harem, I would rather not be on the top level, because I do not think I could be happy there, and refuse to believe in a God who would have me be there against my will. I agree with Katherine in that I worship a God that is NOT the author of sexism, and if this means having to come to terms with the fact that the God I follow is not the one portrayed in Mormon theology, then I will do so. You ask so many questions, and expect answers to be given, please remember that no one here owes you an explanation. You seem at peace with what you believe, in which case I hope you find a partner who agrees with you and have a wonderful forever with them. But remember, just because you have an opinion, does not mean it is the *eternal truth*, your deity has as much of a chance of existing as anyone else’s.
Sure, but my Deity has a theology behind Him&Her.
You’re building a readership, a following, and don’t expect to have questions that are in the vein of, “what now”? Seams a bit silly to not want to answer questions about your God and His/Her existence and theology.
I meant to post this over here, I am new on this blog and still learning! I have decided to join this conversation and say the following to you, Jaxon:
No, it does not seem silly at all. The relationship between someone and their God is personal, it is theirs and only theirs. It is okay to ask, but if the person does not seem to want to share, then don’t push.
And by the way, just because your deity has a theology, still doesn’t make him/her any more likely to be real. It just means people are creative and able to come up with stories
No where in LDS doctrine is it taught that in the Celestial Kingdom we practice polygamy. That is the FLDS and others who have completely misunderstood the doctrine of Plural Marriage. If one has such strong feelings about not getting married in the temple, fine. It probably isn’t in your cards in mortality or right now at least. Maybe your eternal companion was born 200 years ago and you’ll meet him in the next life when your “sexism” claims can be explained by God and you get over it. Please take care to not bring down the sacredness of that covenant which millions of others have figured out for themselves.
Thank you for your insight, I am going to elaborate on this in Seminary tomorrow and share it for devotional- I hope it can help clear any future complications my peers may also have.
[…] By Katherine The promise of eternal families through temple marriage is at the very core of Mormon doctrine. Temple marriage brings with it the hope of the… …read more […]
I agree with this. I wish I had had a proper preparation for the endowment, which I think should include _everything_ except the specific signs and tokens that are part of the covenant not to reveal. The language, the veiling, the initiatory, the other covenants, everything.
That being said, there have been so many changes to the initiatory and endowment over the past 50 years. I didn’t have a naked initiatory, make any blood oaths, or covenant to obey my husband. Maybe some of the things that are still problematic will be eliminated.
http://mormonscholarstestify.org/1718/valerie-hudson-cassler — give it a read and let me know what you think.
I have read this article many times, as it is often trotted out during discussions of the temple. While I appreciate the attempt to explain away the sexism inherent in the temple, most of Sis. Hudson-Cassler’s assertions are fanciful leaps of imagination, completely unsupported by either doctrine or the actual language and symbolism of the temple. It is simply a fact that the ceremony, the covenants and the rituals are steeped in 19th century sexism. I know that the article has helped some women “come to terms” with these unfortunate realities of the temple, but for me imagining away the sexism is just not enough.
“Fact” doesn’t seem to matter, though. After all, it would appear the majority of readers and writers worship a God that they’ve made after their image. Why not view the Temple ceremony that takes “fanciful leaps of imagination”?
well Jaxon, the truth is we all worship to one point or another, someone we have made up, because no one is truly capable of understanding God.
Mormons are weird!!!! Sorry, I love my Catholic faith! And I know not all Catholic churches are the same, but hey man, in my parish EVERYONE is welcome! The Mormons are welcome, the gays and lesbians are welcome, other denominations and religions are welcome! Everyone is welcomed with open arms and love! Because well didn’t Jesus teach us to love your neighbor as yourself? OOOOH MAN! I know “love” must be a very difficult topic for you to understand, but hear me out on this! If I were to advise you (which I know you don’t want and wont listen to) I would say this: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain. Rather than trying to argue with somebody, which is a way to prove who is right and wrong, why don’t you give discussion a shot, which is a way to prove WHAT is right 🙂 Let’s try using LOGIC! God has one day of rest a week. The Catholics gave him Sunday, the Jews gave him Saturday, Muslims gave him Friday. God has a three day weekend! I mean look it is SUCH a waste of time trying to figure out who’s is the better religion to follow. Why don’t we all just forget our differences and love everybody as an equal? Cause if God really DID bless us ALL and gave us all the same love and respect we say He does, then why do you have the right to judge who is worthy and who isn’t worthy? Why is it you believe you have some God given authority over the rest of us because you practice some weird ass sh** the rest of us are too intelligent to bother with? Life is already REALLY hard to live! People are murdered, people are raped, people are tortured, people are in poverty! There are so many problems with this world as it is, religion is just a cop out! Praying is just a way to dismiss all the worldly issues with “God will take care of it” or “it was His will” instead of actually USING the gifts He gave us to try and make this world a compassionate, loving place to be in, the way I honestly believe it was meant to be. Now I know you’re gonna dismiss me as a heathen and a poorly informed, uneducated punk, but try to listen to reason. We all have to share this planet! It doesn’t belong to just you! And while I’m spending my time loving people and you’re spending your time judging people, when we finally die and get to heaven, I’m gonna stand there and say to you, “I told yeah so.”
I applaud you for “loving people” and not judging … except you are judging.
Example: “you practice some weird ass sh**” – judging my religious practices.
“the rest if us are too intelligent to bother with?” – judging and backhanded insult. You’re suggesting that were I more intelligent I wouldn’t practice Mormonism. That is suggesting that either your practice, or another, is a better alternative and Mormonism is wrong.
Although I am but a mere minor graduating soon, I’d like to suggest that we all remember that this world is God’s and not ours. I apologize if it sounds harsh to realize, however it is true. Who made this earth? Who made us? I am sure we as Christian folks can all agree it was all possible through God. If we all truly believe in God then is that not what connects all of us here who are speaking now and trying to express our different perspectives? Because of our differences ranging from our backgrounds and life experiences, we are bound to cause agitation and tension to another. However, in trials such as these, turn to Christ first and always as an example and choose to follow his counsel and teachings, such as love thy neighbor and choose love over fear. An easy way to do this is to humble yourselves in prayer. If you are uncertain or doubt in a teaching of your church or God himself- go to the source who hath ALL knowledge and is beyond our very OWN understanding as humans who have only so much knowledge, go unto the Lord your God and confront him to learn the TRUTH. God knows EVERYTHING- if you think you already know this because you have heard it over and over-check again and realize that if you really believe this then why would you doubt the Creator who already knows everything? Is the reason not only that is it because you yourself doubt his existence? I have heard before this important message, “Doubt yourself before you doubt your faith” because God is perfect and there is no sense in doubting him if you love and believe in him- He makes ALL things possible and loves you with an INFINITE LOVE BEYOND MEASURE (Pres. Dieter F. Ucthdorf). God will NEVER FAIL YOU and will always help you make it through. God will give you enough and what you need, but he will not spoil you. You may very well know by now that we have been given the gift of agency by God- the free will to choose- ultimately will lead to the right and wrong. With this agency, you have chosen. If you chose to follow God, if you are truly a Christian, put God before ALL things. Even family and your own life. If God has commanded it and you have chosen to follow Him when you became a member of whatever church you are of, what other reason do you have to doubt him and take a different path? I bear my testimony that God is REAL, He loves each and everyone one of us EQUALLY. We are ALL his CHILDREN. And He is the TRUTH. I leave with you all this scripture to remember, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). Amen.
Thank you for sharing what you have thought about. As someone who has written for this blog and received both supportive and derisive comments from that post I would like to offer a little insight to everyone else reading these comments that you may have already arrived at and progressed beyond. The posts that receive very different reactions are things that are pinpointing serious, highly valued subjects among diverse people. These are the hardest and yet the most valuable subjects for reflexive thought. A lot of people posted crud in response to my post, and it was frustrating, but I also grew from analyzing the criticism to better understand the ideas people very different from me have in their heads. I also watched how people who supported me attacked people who did not in ways (with reflection) I realized I did not support.
The temple is a tough place. I intend to better prepare young women for their ENDOWMENT, rather than temple marriage as their pedagogical engagement with the temple in my future roles in the church.
I really don’t like when people question personal beliefs. Guess what? I get to worship my belief of God… And MY God loves women. I can’t believe in a sexist God. I too married young, in the temple and divorced 4 years later… Getting the temple unsealing done has been extremely difficult yet HE could marry again- In the temple. Also to the guy commenting above, women ARE asked to hearken unto their Husband’s counsel. Duh. That’s the part many women struggle with because our covenants should be made with God, not throgh a man or our obedience to our husbands. Now, I’ve created my own Reform Mormon beliefs. i attend church weekly, I read the book of mormon with my small child, and my heart belongs to a very sweet, amazing Jewish man. Maybe a temple marriage is not in my future, I wish that my relationship would not be treated as second rate or NOT good enough simply because I failed to marry the love of my life in the temple. I don’t know what the future holds but I sure wish for greater understanding for those of us who are trying to stay, while the church further marginalizes us.
Lovely! Just lovely! Good for you for respecting yourself! I don’t really know anything about the Mormon faith, as I was raised Catholic my whole life. But I have been told by my Mormon friends about how sexist that faith is. As a Catholic, I never really encountered much sexism, except that the priests and the bishops and cardinals and the Pope are all men. But even so, the women who want to be involved in our faith become nuns and sisters and do wonderful charity deeds and spend their entire lives serving the church and God with themselves. Which I think is beautiful. The women who don’t want to be as involved, either get married and start a family or they consecrate themselves and live a life of celibacy or they just wander off and do their own thing. I’ve never felt like I had to be tied down to just ONE way of living, and if I do decide to marry, all the vows I say will be returned to me 🙂 I don’t really understand polygamy, but hey whatever floats your boat! But I do think this: If humans were made to be polygamist creatures, our survival rates wouldn’t be 80 years, they’d be 20-30 years, our birth rates would be low and we would be constantly fighting for survival. But we’re not, at least I’m not. With our population slowly approaching 8 BILLION people (and let me tell you that’s a sh** ton of individuals) there is no longer a need to produce lots of children and have big families! One kid or two! Plenty! OR, and just hear me out, who even needs a family? Kids are expensive and don’t always do what you teach them to. Jaxon earlier mentioned that the purpose is to bring children into righteous families. Okie dokie well my Mormon friend was born into a righteous family and she’s now bisexual, which I’m assuming is a sin in the Mormon church. I mean really, why live your life dedicated to somebody else? Raising a family that DOESN’T appreciate you and going to a church that believes it’s your duty to grin and bear it? Let’s just all be happy within ourselves and stop living according to a “man’s” point of view. It’s my life and God F’in darn it all to Heck, I’m gonna live it according to what I think I should. And make my own choices according to what my logic tells me is right and wrong. And when we all die I’ll see you guys up there in paradise and we will all sit around a big fire, drink heavenly beer, and tell each other our earth stories and LAUGH till we fall over! It’s gonna be one schweeet party! And God will be the one throwing it, welcoming us home! And we will love and be loved and share in each others greatness!
1st. Women in the Mormon church can do all the things that women in your faith do. We have Relief Society, we are part of Young Women, we have sister missionaries, and can be part of all of the church volunteer activities and leadership.
2nd. There is no “one right way” in Mormonism. It is a faith with many different people coming together to form one culture where all are welcome.
3. No, actually, homosexuality is not a sin in Mormonism.
4. I think you have good intentions, you just shouldn’t assume things about our faith without really researching it.
Your comments fascinate me in how different our faith is. Religion has truly come a long way (I wish I could send a happy face emoji but I’m on a cpu right now >_<). I would love spending days to discuss with you to give you more insight and allow you the chance to better understand Mormons. First off, I would like to address your thoughts on polygamy and elaborate on that. Joseph Smith was the prophet in the 1800s who was commanded by God to practice polygamy because many women were having to go without husbands who could be a holy companion to them and help support them. Joseph was very reluctant and even tried to refuse the idea because he wanted to be faithful to his one and only wife. However, Joseph overcame this and because he believed in God he trusted God's decision and commandment. And plz pardon me if I am incorrect, but from your message you were trying to relay, I felt that you thought we still practice polygamy. No, the commandment has been relieved of and we no longer do the practice. This event however can also relate to Abraham of the Old Testament who was commanded by God to have a child with one of the maid servants (Hagar) of his wife. This greatly upset Sarah, his wife, although she understood that the Lord commanded it because they were both old and she could no longer conceive a child to fulfill the Lord's promise to the couple that he would multiply Abraham's seed as though the grains of the sand. Not much later however, does the Lord miraculously cause Sarah to be able to conceive a son. After this, Hagar is dismissed with her son from Abraham and they leave- however odd this may seem- I believe Hagar was an important instrument to prove the faith of Abraham and Sarah so that Sarah may receive the miracle of being able to finally bare a son. Hagar's son becomes an important figure in fulfilling the Lord's work as he continued to build their family line and grow to be a well man. Now to speak of service and charity the men and women in my church have done- it is absolutely innumerable and I myself have been overwhelmed by how much they do that I begin to find fault in my self not being able to serve as much as them- however I've learned that the Lord has put me here on this earth and knows everything about me- although I may not do incredible and large things- I can never forget to look around me and realize I have small gifts and talents that I can share in helping those in need around me no matter how small the service- every little one counts. Searching to do something great makes you blind to those littles things around you that need help- or the littles things about you that you need help on. Don't be afraid to look for those little things and grow that way. Of course I've still need to do more for my church- little and big! 🙂 Also, the older you get, you will realize that Family becomes one of the MOST important things- if you didn't have your family, where would you be now? Who would you be? Even your friends can become your earthly family. Most good honestly comes from familial perspectives- what I mean are that most morals are embodied in families and even morals exist because of familial feelings and love for another. You may argue that you have friends or all you need is your husband (who is your family now 🙂 ) become a family- in that you grow closer and become as a family may be. And finally- I'm excited to address this one-just like how you said that kids are expensive (which they actually don't have to be as you may also have help from family) and don't always do what you want them to, it's the same in that we also cause a lot of trouble as humans trying to make our way in life right or wrong- choosing God or Satan. In a sense, you are thinking like a human, like a dictator, and a bit of Satan influence when you want to force kids to do what you want to do- just as Satan once wanted to force us to do the right as he told God thinking God would approve, God disagreed in that we needed to choose for ourselves the path of righteousness and that forcing to be righteous is not the right way and will not lead to happiness. God has allowed us to choose for ourselves our consequences- how can we blame Him when He has allowed us to do so much by granting us free agency? Now I would like to address- and this one is absolutely heated!- why some (or all?) of your Mormon friends have turned from the church when they were born into it and "should" be living righteously because they have been exposed to good at birth. I myself have witnessed many of these members turn away. I believe a great explanation is that there is a fair balance between good and evil. It is true, without good there is no such things as evil and without evil there is no such thing as good. Because these youth have been exposed to goodness at such a young age, when they grow up they will come to be curious and interested in things that are different from the teachings of the church, drifting them away in that they doubt all their lives and turn away for the rest of their lives or they come back stronger and their faith builds, following these trials. We are definitely reaching an odd age where all sorts of different sex appeals are growing larger and larger and becoming a part of the society that future generations will grow into. Many medias (Disney also now won't allow films to pass unless their is some connection to the new ideas of sex appeals- LGBT- in order to show new acceptance towards these people)now promote these ideas and these ideas are against the teachings go God who we as Christians follow, "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24), meaning marriage is to be between man and woman. One problem that I can see from the media but not the people themselves, is that teaching kids of all different sexualities can make them grow and question their sex and sexuality. This promotes homosexuality which is the opposite of God's doctrine- somewhat infringing on the freedom of religion (I live in North America). More opposition will grow and the world is slowly turning upside down. Is this somewhat negative? Yes, but the more negativity means the closer we are getting to the end of days when Jesus will return when the world is reaching its peaks of turmoil. Do not fret because of oppositions, for all this means is that we are getting closer to the Second Coming. However, when that day comes we shall be judged, therefore I hope the people I know will be hand in hand with me and smile on that day for I will follow what the Lord has commanded.
We still need to choose to do right even if we are looking forward to the end of days, therefore we will be on God's side. And I will love to laugh by your side (however, I won't be drinking beer XD) if we both have successfully made it to Heaven- for God and Christ will also be happy with us.
I’m sorry! I have to add that I know there are some members of the church who are of the category of LGBT but unlike how many think, these members are not excommunicated but they do need to understand their choices and the following consequences. Just like how we sin daily or do wrong- so have these people and most of the time they know their wrongs and some are willing to accept the consequences. However, remember that to love another does not mean you have to be in agreement with them or accept their beliefs- it means to appreciate them and love them in that they have made great efforts in their different beliefs- for the day will come when we all shall learn the TRUTH OF ALL THINGS and we will all become ONE for God hath said, “Behold, this I have given unto you as a parable, and it is even as I am. I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (Doctrine & Covenants 38:27).
Fantastic example of women’s studies cant, with so many of the shibboleths and ideological dog whistles present and accounted for.
Keep up the good work, Young Mormon Feminists – all the way to the crater where the Great and Spacious Building will have once stood…
At the end.
Um, what?
I don’t want to argue but I must say something that’s been on my mind lately. Recently I am seeing more and more that our Heavenly Father in many ways favors more his daughters than us his sons. If you take some time to think about it. An example of this is that Woman don’t HAVE to get married at all in this world. us men are the ones who need the woman to reach the highest degree in the celestial kingdom and on the other side they can decide to keep their eternal companion or not. Where on the other hand if us men aren’t sealed and had the chance to in this life we won’t be so lucky. I would assume that just goes to show how real our Heavenly Father is as most earthly fathers favor their daughters more than their sons haha. Anyways, I find it sad you have found reasons not to get married in the temple. Heavenly Father really does love you and that is why he has supplied you with this way to be sealed with your eternal companion for an eternity. Well I have to say the temple really is an awesome place and I look forward to my own sealing (hopefully in the near future haha) and I hope you change your mind and can be sealed to your eternal companion (even if you do a civil marriage first for your friends/family).
Preston, I also don’t want to argue, but I have to say that I can’t believe that our God “favors” one gender over the other. Also, I’m so very happy you love the temple and want to get sealed in it! But there are some that don’t, and do not want to get married there or make promises that they don’t feel comfortable making, and there is nothing sad about that. Sad would be if those people went and got married where they don’t want to get married just because they’re afraid that it might be the only way to have an eternal marriage. The lds church is not the only church that believes in eternal marriages, and for those who stop believing that it’s the only one capable to perform marriages that last forever, another church is a viable option. And then there are those people that don’t want to be married forever! Though to me, that doesn’t make sense, it does not mean they’re wrong or that I should be sad for them.
Where does it say that men have to be sealed in this life, but women do not? Church leaders have said that any worthy members who are not married in this life will have an opportunity in the next.
The latter half of your comment is exceptionally condescending. Not everyone feels that the temple “really is an awesome place.” Do not assume that the author would be happier if she changed her mind, as you can’t possible know that. I was married in the temple and it hurt my heart to make certain covenants.
Preston, I would like to let you know (in the kindest way possible, of course) that I do not care at all what most of your male friends think about marriage. Your assertion about how they feel is the answer to a question I have never asked. I hope that I don’t change my mind about this issue, because doing so would cause me to participate in my own oppression (as I stated above.) Perhaps if the church decides to make the temple a less sexist place, then I will reconsider. Until then I have made the choice that is best for me. Thanks for stopping by.
WHOA MAN! Who said you need a woman to get to the kingdom? What crack are you smokin’? Dude, I know so many other “dudes” that don’t marry and don’t have kids and are as HAPPY and successful as on can be! Geez man do you see the flaws in your reasoning? You said the “heavenly father” loves us? OOOOH but he doesn’t love you AS MUCH. First of all, the f*** bruh? I mean really, God loves us equally! You don’t need a woman and I don’t need a man! Why should I entrust my happiness to another flawed human being that will ultimately let me down and disappoint me? I’m sorry man, but God is my husband! God is my lover! God is my brother! God is my father! God is my friend! God is my BESTEST BEST friend! And God is my companion! He’s the one that’s ultimately gonna look out for me, give me everything my little heart desires AND THEM SOME! God is an AWESOME God! Why would be he anything less? Don’t let your imperfect human brain comprehend God as imperfect and human as we are! If you do that, then God ISN’T all knowing and all loving and you’ve been preaching a lie! If you continue to put someone else’s happiness before yours, you will not be as happy as you COULD have been, the way God intended you to be! Enjoy the body He has blessed you with! Enjoy the gifts He has given you and be thankful! God is omnipotent! Believe in that fully! And don’t waste your precious time on this wonderful gift of a planet thinking “I’m not good enough” If God really DID make you a beautiful creature (as He did) then you ARE good enough! You’re great! Just as you are all by yourself, the way He made you to be! Be grateful and love yourself and love your neighbors and love the people you come into contact with! For they are beautiful creatures as well! Don’t let the fear of sin and evil guide your path. Okay, enough with the cheesy, let’s be real bro! Just be happy and don’t worry 🙂 If you believe God has a plan for you, then trust in Him and live your life making your decisions by yourself! God will help you along the way. He helps those who help themselves.
I don’t blame you for never wanting to marry in the temple. There are reasons beyond sexism why you are making a wise choice. My wife and I were married in the SLC temple nearly 20 years ago, without her father in attendance as we was a non-member. Because of her father’s status and her family’s status of not being sealed for time and eternity, my wife was committed to an eternal marriage and family. Since that time, I have learned truths about the church which ultimately, and recently, prompted me to disavow the religion. Unfortunately, this has plunged my true-believing wife into a pit of depression, despair, and suicidal thought because of the eternal implications, for her and our family, of my decision. How can a truly loving and just God create a system where one’s salvation and attainment of the highest glory is wholly dependent on the beliefs of another person? The church doctrine on eternal marriage and progression is extremely pernicious and so limiting that it leaves my wife with no hope for her own personal happiness in this life or the next based on me exercising my own free agency. My marriage likely won’t survive. Thank you, LDS church.
I’m sorry about the situation you are in. Your wife must not completely understand the temple covenants though, if she thinks that because you have left the faith that she cannot receive celestial glory. She did all she was supposed to do, and was married faithfully in the temple, so she should hope to attain that glory in heaven. Heavenly Father will make everything right in the end.
I had the same issue. Everyone went on about how much I’d be blown away with my first time in the temple. I wasn’t prepared at all. As a matter of fact I was so upset during one part of the ceremony, that I demanded to talk to someone, anyone or I wanted OUT. My future Mother-in-law(my own mother couldn’t do this as she was married to my nonmember Dad) was horrified and embarrassed. I didn’t care. I was directed to the temple president who asked, “Didn’t you take a temple prep class at the Y?” Uh, no. It wasn’t offered. Even then though I doubt I would have been prepared. I haven’t been back for a while after I suffered a huge panic attack after they filled the aisles with chairs. When I barely finished, I told my concerns. I was laughed at.
It still bothered me that my family couldn’t come with me to the temple. Or that I couldn’t tell others what happened inside the temple.
Frankly, if you don’t want to be married in the Temple then don’t. I can say from personal experience that myself, and most of the men I know and associate with would refuse to get married outside of the Temple. It sounds to me like you should just go ahead and leave the church. It’d probably be better for all of us that way.
I don’t see how your desire to be married in the temple has any relevance to the author’s decision not to be. She’s not trying to marry you or your associates, is she?
Not to mention, it is so rude to tell someone in pain that they should leave the church because it would be better off without them. What made you think that was helpful?
This is one huge thing that bothers me so much about any woman or anyone speaking frankly on how they feel. Someone telling them to ‘leave the church’. Is this Christ-like behavior? No. And to be honest, there are lots of people who are leaving because of the patronizing comments or those who think that they are ‘Christ’ and are judging members who don’t live up to what they feel is what a true member should be and/or act like. I personally have a testimony of the church or I would have left it long ago. I have to remind myself that man isn’t perfect and God has to work with that. I can only imagine how frustrated God gets when he hears comments like the ones above here.
I imagine that she wouldn’t want to marry a man who isn’t concerned about her concerns, so it seems you and your associates wouldn’t be men she’d be interested in.
I am happy to say I married a man who is concerned about my concerns, and I wish the same to the author.
Austin, imagine Christ in your place. Imagine Him saying, “I think you should leave the Church. it’d probably be better for All of us if you left.” You can’t imagine that? Neither can I.
I have been astounded at the number of members who have recently told fellow members who disagree with some aspect of the church to leave what they claim to believe is Christ’s Church, led by a prophet. What I’m seeing are a lot of people who have no idea who Christ is and certainly don’t speak for Him.
I imagine you’re a young cocky recently returned missionary who only perfected his self-righteousness during the time you should have learned to cultivate Christ-like compassion.
May vulnerable young women be protected from the likes of you.
To me it seems like the best thing for me and others to help people see the advantages of a temple marriage is to explain every positive aspect and all the blessings we see in our lives and show by example how those blessings have come to us. I don’t see how attacking another’s beliefs about God or telling them to leave a church they seem to love helps.
For many, like me, the disadvantages far outweigh the perceived advantages.
This post is exactly how I feel about the temple. All of the secrecy growing up leading to a ceremony of ritualized sexism makes me nauseous. I just wish it was easier to find other like-minded Mormons. I love this church, except for the parts that aren’t Christ-like.
Hey I’ve got a great idea! Let’s all just love and be loved, you know like how Jesus said to? I mean, come on people! Life is too short to be worrying about what God has to say when we’re dead. I’ll worry about that when I AM dead. For right now, I’ll just simply enjoy living in His creation and explore all that He has given to me as gifts! I mean really, if you think about it with logic and faith, God is supposed to be all knowing and all loving. Sooooo wouldn’t it make more sense to be happy and enjoy what he’s given to us? And to live a happy life appreciating His gifts? Rather than miserable and apologizing every second for our imperfections? I would argue that God wouldn’t want that for his children He loves so very much. He’d rather we be happy 🙂 and so who cares where you’re married or what dress you wear or what ring you’ve got so long as you as an individual are satisfied and ecstatic beyond belief? Now yes, we do make mistakes. But in the end, this is my life. I’m the one living in my body. So sorry but I’m not going to live it according to some rules that were laid down by men, who are in themselves, imperfect. And I’m also not going to stress about whether or not I’m going to Hell for certain actions I’ve chosen to commit. I honestly believe our only requirement is to love. WHICH IS VERY HARD TO DO! So I’m going to spend all my time focusing on how to be kind to every person I meet and I think I’ll have a much more fulfilling life that way 🙂 Seriously, stop caring so much about what other people f***in’ think yo! They are probably not as happy as I am and have their own demons they need to face down. I’m very content believing that God loves me REGARDLESS of who I am (especially since if he’s supposed to know everything about me, he’d understand exactly why I act the way I do) and trust in Him that he’ll see me as a whole and wont condemn me to a fiery eternity just because I chose to follow the “wrong” religion.
The temple was a soul-sucking, anxiety-inducing hell hole for me. I could not and cannot believe people would say anything positive about it at all. My husband and I were married there 12 years ago and fortunately are still happily married, though we left Mormonism a decade ago together. I applaud you for making this choice and wish I had the foresight to make it, too. How nice it would be to look back fondly on my wedding, rather than be disgusted.
I’ve heard many times that the covenants made in the temple are important and should be considered carefully. If someone considers those covenants carefully and decides not to participate, seems like something to celebrate rather than scold. God gave us brains and expects us to learn, grown and make decisions.
I did get married in the temple and found the covenants very troubling. Most of my wedding was beautiful. I mostly just remember my sweet husband squeezing my hand and whispering sweet things to me. But I sometimes wish our ceremony had been a better reflection of our relationship. Ultimately, I concluded that we understood the true nature of the covenants we were making to each other and the exact words were not the important part. But if we were doing it again today, we would seriously consider a different wedding venue.
This is such a fascinating thread and, as a non-Mormon, I am really inspired by all of the kind comments left here by Mormons. Despite the trolls, you all are a credit to your community for celebrating this author’s choice instead of condemning her.
I am no eloquent writer and I have trouble finding words to accurately explain what I think and feel so bear with me while I stumble through this comment.
I admit when I first read the title of this post, I immediately thought, “then why are you even Mormon?!” I don’t like to call myself a feminist and I’ve now come to realize that I’ve often looked down on feminism for trivial reasons. I believe in equality for women, perhaps differently then some or many other women view it. I was married in the temple and to be honest, have never thought of the covenants made being unequal. I personally just view them as each man and woman having their own divine roles. Other than my father, none of my family was able to come into the temple with me. This was hard on my mother, which I am ashamed that I did not fully respect or appreciate because I hardly gave it much thought. I thought a ring ceremony would make up for it and that would be that.
I am fortunate to have a husband who is much more socially aware, forward thinking, and above all respectful of women. Not respectful just in the sense of opening my doors or small matters like that, but respectful of my womanhood. We often comment how he is probably more of a feminist than I am. So for me to have made my covenants in the temple with him was something that I am grateful to have been able to do.
I’m sharing this not because I’m trying to convince you to marry in the temple or find the right man that you’d want to marry in the temple for. I respect your personal decision and understand in a very small way how you feel. I share this because you have helped open up a part of me that needed to be open and while my personal views may be different than yours, I am grateful that you posted this.
This makes me so sad. I feel genuine sorrow for you. As you read this comment, please do not think of me as a shallow, brain-washed LDS teen, because I have a strong testimony of the gospel, and nothing is going to change that. Nothing that you say or write, or what anyone else pressures me into believing, is going to break me or my testimony. That said, I respect that everyone has their agency. You don’t have to share the same beliefs as me, but I will spend every last inkling of my energy trying to bring others to the peace and goodness of the gospel.
I am a Mia Maid, already aspiring for nothing less than a temple marriage. For those of you who have had bad temple marriages, I relate. Not personally, of course, but I know of good, amazing, wonderful, wise, strong members who have married in the temple and divorced soon after. However, it is not the temple or God whom you should blame for such marriages. Marriage in the temple does not guarantee that life will be easy, that your marriage will be perfect. On the contrary, in this life, many hardships will come from being married in the temple. Just because one is married in the temple, doesn’t mean the couple’s agency is taken away and they can never make mistakes. Even in a temple marriage, things can go wrong and people make mistakes.
This is not a result of marriage in the temple itself.
And as to what you said about your family not being able to witness your marriage… Please, it brings me to tears to write this. Imagine that same scenario, in heaven. You and your husband will be saved in the Celestial Kingdom for time and all eternity, and your family will not be able to enter the kingdom of heaven at that time. I have family who isn’t apart of the church, and it makes me tremble with sorrow. Don’t refuse a temple marriage. Don’t throw you and your husband into the same prison that your family is in. Instead, get married in the temple and bring your family out of their prison and into the paradise that you and your husband are residing in.
Moving on, I may be a little more assertive about this topic, because it makes me rather angry when I think about it. I know I should not get angry, so I apologize wholeheartedly if I come across as rude. However, these are my beliefs, and those are yours. If I respect your beliefs, please respect mine.
The church is not sexist. The temple is not sexist. God is not sexist.
Many in the church, particularly women, have this misconception that they are not receiving the same blessings as men in the church. This is completely false. Now, I am not against feminism. Many women in countries around the world, especially third world countries, are being treated very unfairly and are being refused rights and opportunities that they should have. This makes me very sad, and I support programs, leaders, and other people who strive to make things right in those places. However, I am completely against extremist feminism.
Think about a good team in a school class, or at a work area. Everyone does something different. Everyone plays their own role to do what needs to be done most effectively and smoothly. If everyone did the same thing, very little would get done. No, women do not have the priesthood. Men do. We play different roles in this life. They have the responsibility of using that priesthood for good, we receive blessings from it. We have the responsibility of raising and nurturing children, they receive blessings from it. We all have a role to play in this life, but some people don’t understand this. No! I am NOT suggesting that women are weak and unable to do things in the same degree that men are able to do them. Don’t compare yourselves to the other gender and what they have to offer. Instead, look to your own gender’s responsibilities and gifts, and excel in them. Women are so much better at their duties than men are. Men are so much better at their duties than women are. We need both, a balance of both, in this life. Extreme feminists seem to be throwing this balance out the door. Think about this: do you believe that you should be yourself? Not look at what others are doing and try to be more like them? Well, then why on earth are women trying to be like men? Women are strong. Women can be as strong as men. Excel at your role in life, what you were meant to do and be. Don’t try to be someone you’re not.
I know with all my heart that you are wonderful, beloved daughter of God. I know that even though I have never even met you before. God loves you so much. Please reciprocate that love and do what He asks. He truly knows what’s best for you. This life is just a prick in the eternal scheme of things. I know that Satan and worldly influences are strong, but I testify that God is stronger. Lift yourself up from these things that you have said and done. You have so much more potential to do good than you think you do. Just please, trust God. Trust the church.
“Jesus is the Living Christ, the immortal Son of God. He is the great King Immanuel, who stands today on the right hand of His Father. He is the light, the life, and the hope of the world. His way is the path that leads to happiness in this life and eternal life in the world to come.”
I am so grateful for your comment! 🙂 You are an amazing and insightful daughter of God. I am without a doubt sure that the Lord will bless you greatly for helping “stand as a witness of God at all times, and in all things, and in all places” (Mosiah 18:9). You are an amazing Mia Maid. At this time, I have been given the opportunity as the Laurel Class President and am glad to see how youths like you have developed. I look to you as an example and hope in helping my fellow sisters who have drifted away from the Gospel or are struggling. Thank you. I wish you luck and happiness in your future temple marriage and look for myself to have a chance to at least visit the Laie Hawaii Temple. Also, I hope you get the chance to serve a mission as do I.
Marriages in the temple does not mean that your spouse would not have the possibility to divorce you (as I see in the comments). People are imperfect but that does not mean that the teaching of the Lord is at fault. If you do not believe that the temple is true then I would suggest you, not to marry in the temple. Many LDS and non LDS families I know are wonderful it is just a matter of choices and respect for what each and everyone of us believes.
Amen
Thank you for the wonderful comment. Amen.
Men and women aren’t equal. Equal in value, yes, but not equal in ability. You’d better get over it. Eve has to hearken because she was the first to disobey. As Paul clearly states “the man was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression”. The scriptures are clear: man is to the woman as Christ is to the church. One is above the other. Adam is a type of Christ in that he chose to leave the garden to go into the world and save Eve just like Christ chose to come into the world to save his bride (us, the church). It’s the original fairy tale story, Prince Charming has to fight he dragon to save sleeping beauty who doesn’t know what’s going on because she’s under a spell. This is why men have the priesthood, because the Eve level of consciousness that put us here in this fallen world cannot be the same consciousness that pulls us out of it.